9/11 (September/11AM)

September 9, 2020


It has been a while indeed. Almost 6 months since I wrote something onto this blog. I am not sure, but everything I touch turns to shit. I have lost touch, I have lost control, I have lost pretty much all the stuff, I would love to get into. I do not feel safe nor comfortable anywhere. Yes, there is corona on one hand, but on the other hand, I have the feeling, that everything and everyone loses control over their life due corona. I have the feeling trying to stay sane on one hand, but I can’t bear it anymore to see and to hear from anyone to talk down on me. I talked back to 3 people in the last 6months, that it is not ok to say racist/conspiracy/weird things or look down or speak in a depreciate way to me.

But first things first: I am jobless since last year July. Unbelievable. It is already bonkers that it took me from 2017(coming back from Malmö) till 2018 September to get a job, which I didn’t like in the first place, but since I was in dire need of fleeing from the house of my parents, I took the very first chance to get away. For the past 12 months, I have come across some acquaintances of friends, who are in positions in their respective jobs which they are satisfied and qualified for their jobs.  But they were “impressed” of me seeing that I have knowledge of their doings in their jobs even though I have not studied nor worked in their profession and recommended me to work there. I applied and every company has so far refused me to invite me to an interview. This is already something which made me very unhappy and sad. Not just the fact, that I know something but I did not even get a chance of proofing that I am worthy of that chance, but they don’t even consider that. I always have to explain myself, vindicate that I can do something or I am worthy of that. There were a few times when even some companies accused me of counterfeiting my school and university certificates. They told me a refugee is not able to pick up German this fast, hence they would be not even wasting their time with this. This was on the phone. I was so speechless. When the representatives on the phone asked me who I am on the phone, I told them, IAM THE PERSON THEY ARE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT! So, I already feel ridiculed and damaged. I don’t feel to have any strength to go forward, to face myself such disgusting things seeing “friends or acquaintances” telling me how awesome I am and how I totally should apply for certain jobs or positions. Especially recommending me or making sure, that I get that one job, which in the end, I don’t. On the other hand, I have heard some of my “scholar” friends, who I dearly think of, told me, to go work in Starbucks or in a furniture shop, because that would suit me. Wow. Actually, I was floored by that. To see dear friends telling me this. There is also one friend, who, I don’t want to sound jealous or envious and I dearly would never wish anyone to make the same experience as me, but got a job within his first 3months after working as a student in a small company, and he told me, I am having high hopes, I should go for lower wage jobs. It feels insulting, stupid, disgusting and just depreciating. Is this, what friends should be for? People you know? I am not sure. Maybe I am not as easy-going and laidback as I thought I was. I am not unblameable, because I can totally understand my surroundings. I am constantly nagging because, it seems to be absolutely impossible for me to find a job, nor am I able to handle this shitty problem by myself. Most people seem to be very annoyed by that fact. I absolutely see this as a fault of mine. But is this the end result of my studies and my thirst for knowledge brings me now to this very point: being jobless, being unable to be of use. on top, it seems to be impossible to be on par with some people. to be on the same level as some people/friends. it seems, they are friends, because you are below them. is this the reason why? is this even called friendship or some weird form, which I have not understood so far? I try to be reasonable and tolerant, but I feel helpless and each time with less energy arguing and vindicating myself. do I even have to justify everything and everyone? why do I have to do that, while the others do not have to do that? I don’t get it. it takes such a huge toll on my life. a friend even told me, it seems bonkers, why I am always hanging out with some people, which are just plain stupid or crazy weird. I should simply make a cut and not hang out with those at all. am I really expecting too much of life, of people and of events I attend to? I really don’t know. everyday I wake up and wonder, why I have those encounters. it takes incredible amounts of energy, to stand against such constant naysayers. staying in yesteryear is nothing I am known for, but making me think and keeping me there to vindicate my bad luck or the things i haven’t done so far on my way is not how you should treat someone who is willing to challenge and looking forward to change the future of tomorrow.

next thing: corona. covid-19. very interesting. while we had tremendous amounts of luck that Germany did not get hit as hard as Italy or Spain, I can’t wrap my head around how this has sparked a weird, esoteric and right-wing army of yesterday-people out of… yeah, guess where: around my hometown. fuck me hard. QAnon, Querdenken 711, is rising. they are not just rising, but there is an unknown amount of people who are really thinking this is done by a deep state and we are being lied to and whatnot. instead of being seer lucky to see that the German government mostly reacted good(yea, you could have covered more, but making mistakes becomes more and more a common thing in Germany), they insist of being lied to, become financially poor and seeing kids being kidnapped and absorbed for some unknown elite who are drinking children blood to become immortal. also, reptiles and Jews controlling the world is really a theme here. what in the simple fuck is here going on? I mean anti-vaxxers are joining this. also, some people who still believe in an emperor from the first German Reich (which ended with the first world war), who should return rightfully(!!!).  there is so much bullshit coming together, you can’t believe that there are active people of this society being part of this. in a worrisome video, there were flags of:
-German Reich
-rainbow flags
-and some made up flags to symbolize other right-wing-groups(such as QAnon)
wow. and these people or the biggest group of those people are coming out of Baden-Württemberg. I know that Baden-Württemberg has a problem with right-wing people, even though Baden-Württemberg has no problem with joblessness or something(like parts of eastern Germany, where Nazis are pretty common), these people are actively a threat. 2020 is a roller coaster ride, that is for sure.

next up: a friend from Hamburg.
basically, this guy is an active drug addict, and it was only a matter of time this happened. but first things first: I know him since 2015 and he has been a very cool and chill dude. I liked living together with him, even though it was not for very long. less than a year. the time when I moved in, he stopped using drugs and I didn’t care about that, since I never had big problems with any guys who were smoking weed or doing MDMA or coke. but this guy was different. I thought it was fun to get a new hang to a group of people. to know a certain bubble better. but this guy developed himself into a tyrant. he mistreated „for fun“ his girlfriend. in front of me or his friends or HER friends. I couldn’t believe my eyes what kind of Stockholm-syndrome developed in front of me. at first, I tried to make jokes out of it, telling him, he is the grand vizier(großwesir of) barmbek, because he tried to show off every time, he left his home. walking down the street, showing off his money, showing off how he doesn’t care about anything and mistreating and talking in a very blatant way. it was to a certain degree funny and light-hearted. but when it started to become racist and discriminating, I said to stop. these were the times from one or two years ago until this year in April. I tried to stop him, telling him, if he is greeting me with genocide to every Jew and every Muslim on this planet or every dark coloured NON-GERMAN person, I stopped talking to him. he wouldn’t stop. he would brag about, how fun this is supposed to be. I told him to ignore and stop being a friend of him. it didn’t stop him. even when I tried to stop his girlfriend being in this toxic relationship, the same goes for his neighbour and some friends… though these friends and his neighbours are beyond belief when it comes to „considering“ being an acquaintance of this guy. they simply don’t see the problem, they even simply said it, it is a very personal thing, as long as they directly don’t see the result of him mistreating his wife and kid, it’s not their problem. and since they don’t even can’t spell nor recognize the difference between racism/discrimination, it was absolute stupid of me telling them that this guy is constantly shittalking. being white German with barely some school education, they don’t care about that topic. basically, it was the same here: as long as everything is peaceful in their neighbourhood, there is no problem. if you want to express it in a more common mean opinion: if I don’t see it, it does not exist or „out of sight, out of mind“. I eventually stopped talking and blocking him on all available channels. wow. I never went this hardcore and far for a person.
yes, 2020 has been a ride so far, but to be honest… did it change anything for me in this regard this much? since iam not part of the society, it did not. why am I declaring myself as such? it is very easy. if you are, the society would care. it pisses me off, how much of a wimp I am because, I am not able to get a job+this drags me mentally very much. this is also a part of being a healthy citizen of society. and another factor is, the things you say, should have an impact in society. if Günther says: „FOREIGNER, GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY!“ the neighbours usually react to him in a mindful way. it is ok to say that. it is ok, if Günther also says things such as using poison or weapons to kill them or drive them away. the neighbours just want to make sure, everyone in their neighbourhood are feeling good and included. But if a person such as me is telling something, there is a bit of a different output in my circle of friends/acquaintances here in Munich and other parts: are you sure? is this real life? I never heard of this; I don’t believe you. it is not as bad as it is, I guess. maybe you shouldn’t be a pussy. c’mon this would never happen in a modern country such as Germany. so, the answers do severely look different depending on what kind of people you have around you or what kind of person you are. it is the difference that some can choose between being dicks and magically attract such shit behaviour. very interesting to see as an example, how the German police tried to relativize Black Lives Matter with their needs. Blue Lives Matter. Another low in history of police. if a police officer does not like his job, simply don’t do it. a police officer can simply change his clothes after his shift. can persons with dark skin colour do that. I would. this would basically minimize definitely more than 50% of my headache, that is for sure. making myself a problem with basic needs, understandings in society as well as not being able to sustain myself with the real questions of this planet and this life is what drags me and slurps my present energy into oblivion.

to make it short: I have not changed. I still don’t get my shit together. I lack discipline, I lack opportunities, I lack the vision and to hold onto it in a long-term fashion to make it come true.

IIDX 27 Heroic Verse

März 22, 2020

Download: *click*


Shitpost of 03/20 – Part1

März 11, 2020

It is blogging time, again.

So many things happened, unfortunately. Today iam going to write em down, since there were two very unfortunate things which dragged me down.

The first thing i want to write is… the last few months since my joblessness, I really don’t know what the purpose of this useless junk of genetic human garbage which is me is.
I never felt more useless than since the second slamdunk which was my dismissal of my last job. It took me ages to get the first one, which was an absolute shitfest, the second was similar and now I can’t seem to find a job at all. It takes so much strength to get out of bed. I can’t find out, what I am actually lacking, why companies don’t want me. It feels so devastating. I feel stupid, worthless, I can’t seem to do anything. People start to avoid me, I can feel their glares on me. I don’t want to bring up excuses constantly, whenever people ask me, how I am doing, how is my job, how is my relationship. I think I am the biggest pile of shit I have ever witnessed. I can’t say anything positive to anything. I feel constantly in peril. Today was one of those days:

-I actually wanted to meet up with someone from a course from a few weeks ago. She declined to meet up with me. She told me – even though it was in a fun way – she never said, that she would actually meet up. It feels like a deja-vu from back in malmö, when literally a lot of people did the same shit to me.

Number 2: linh wrote me up a few days ago, out of pity I guess, what I am actually doing in my whole joblessness and whatever. I told her, I would like to skip this topic and I don’t have money nor the will to actually face her roommates, who are very successful with their job and whatnot, who will most likely ask me what news I got around for my job. So, she tried to reassure, that this won’t happen and tried to invite me to eat dinner at her house.

We made an appointment for 8pm. She even wrote me at 7:55pm if I can bring some grated cheese with me. I saw the message at 8.05pm, and wrote her, iam at her doorstep. For the next 20min. nothing happened. No one opened the door in their shared flat, linh did not answer the phone nor her messages. I went home. I felt so ashamed to be alive. Iam literally unsure, why people are making fun of me. She didn’t answer me. I don’t know why she did or does this. Did she forget me? Did something happen? Either way, I really wish, I could end this shitshow, if it were not for this cowardice way of mine. I feel so miserable. I can’t do anything. I can’t act properly; I can’t even help *mr. k*. I dunno what I am even good for. For far too long, iam polluting and wasting the energy of this shitplanet. More and more people actually confirm, that dark coloured people were a mistake for humanity, and for a very long time, it is hard for me to confirm this, but actually everyone is right. It is tiresome to try to stay against this. What choice do I have? Do I even have a choice? I feel being mentally enslaved and retarded. I feel too weak to even breath. I feel soooo worthless. Every day I wake up only to realize this is no fantasy based on reality. This is a hefty reality based on brutality. I piss off the people around me. I piss myself off. I hate myself soo much. I can’t people, they have their reasons, why they avoid me. I can’t be mad about them; I can understand them. What purpose do I have? I do not feel like, that my life is any worth. I do not see myself living on welfare, nor living and working for mcdonalds or anything similar. I have studied all my life to flee from such a miserable life, only to end up even worse. Whats the point. The world would be better off without me. Even *I* would be better off without me, who is poor, a socially and mentally retarded person, who is not a single percentage able to do or secure anything for a possible future. I deserve no better. This should somehow end the greater good. But I do not have the courage and wish for someone who could wipe me off the face of the earth.

2020, sounds like the future…?

Januar 27, 2020

HZD and other games. Thought about Games lately…
It has been a very long time, since I wrote something gaming related.
Lately, I had some time to play some games.

(taken by me)

Red Dead Redemption 2: I finished it after a year. It took me 130h to complete this game and I haven’t even finished a tenth of the sidemissions. In the end, the game’s leaves a very bitter taste of gameplay. The graphics were gorgeous, Arthur morgan was a cool character, a believable story… but the controls… the very slow and long start and the quick end were killing it for me. I also was super overwhelmed at the beginning because I literally didn’t know how to behave or act in an open-world game. There were so many things which distracted me from my main objectives. This confused me quite a lot of times. So many things happened at the same time and I absolutely did not know, how to decide or which way to go first or if I missed this part of the game, once I decide to take the route X. I did not try out the online part, because that would take another dozens of hours of gameplay. The game is cool, but not really my jam, as I hoped. But I had fun. The game’s very dirty aesthetics were quite something. In some parts it was a lot of gore or… well if there is cannibalism slightly hinted… anyways… nicely done.

Ryse: it was back then, when the xbox one was released one of the best looking xbox games. It is included in the game pass, so I played it through. Man this game sucked so hard. I disliked the characters, the very stretched up shit story, the constant shit about slow-motion-killing(because this gets lame after seeing kills the 10th time). The only thing I liked in this game was the last boss, which was a little bit of a challenge. Other than that, the graphics are dated, the way it plays is dated, the story is just a cheap god of war-knock-off shitshow.
I tried out the multiplayer; don’t do it as a warning: those motherfuckers who still play this game are just fucking you over. No chance of winning at all.


(taken by me)

Gravity Rush 2: I started this game almost 2 years ago. I was a HUUUUUGE fan of the first game, I loved the story, the graphics (which looked a bit like French future comics from the 60s), I liked KAT (KAT and Marina from Splatoon2 are the only coloured videogame characters I liked so far, the others are never designed in a nice way or have a good personality), the OST and traversing through that world. I had very high hopes for a second game. It was delayed and eventually announced to be a ps4-game. I was a little bit worried, because blowing this game up to a full fledged console title did not sound right(the game was so perfect for the vita, why should they make this into a console title?) anyways, I thought, well if the game gets better, sure why not. Boy, was I disappointed. The game has a very slow start and they fucking literally did not change a thing about the bad controls from the first game. It is as clunky as it was in the first. I thought, ok, well it’s the first game, I liked everything else, maybe in the second game the controls will be better…? Instead those lazy fuckers did nothing about it. The same mess as the first game. Fighting is a chore, trying to retain the overview is absolutely impossible. In smash bros, it is part of the brawl to sometimes lose the overview, which is also part of the fun. But in GR, it is not, it is just a flaw of the game mechanics.
The story starts very very slow and I had the feeling that the main story was told through talking to characters in the sidemissions and not in the main missions themselves. What the fuck. And, yeah, it is even worse: sometimes there were stealth missions, where the game tells you NOT to use the mechanics from the game. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS!?!? Stupid fetch quests, only taking up your time for fucking nothing. The stealth passages were just unfair. I had to retry some of the missions a dozen times until I understood them and then it took another infinity to finish them. The last 20% of the game were actually really good, but the first 80% were just a chore. Don’t get me wrong, I love the characters, the world, the OST and basically the game mechanics to change the gravity in the palm of your hands. But why is the story shit, why blow up and stretch missions with nonsense such as “walk past the guardians, do not use gravity”, because KAT would be able to simply shift gravity and could pass them through the roofs, but no, just let her make stupidly vulnerable and as slow as possible. Man, such a disappointment. I would love to see a third game, but the devs behind the game made a free dlc which pretty much clears up all the questions after playing through the main game. But in a shitty manner: they just scratched a little bit of the surface of raven’s background and childhood, finished that up and called it a day. The dlc was played through in less than 2h. Iam glad it was free, but c’mon, this does not need to be dlc or even… well you could have saved this one up for GR3. Since GR2 flopped massively, I doubt that there will be ever a third instalment of this game.

Link’s awakening (2019): Actually, an old title but Nintendo thought, they can cash in with old games again, and they fucking did it. They got me. Of course, I bought the fucking limited edition and played it through within a week. It was a blast from the past. Nice to see the game being so true to its original. They actually made a few changes to make this game playable in today’s terms, too: all necessary items are equipped automatically. The shield, the boots, the bracelet to lift stones and bushes… so you don’t have to constantly change your items. The was done in a very pristine way. My only downside of the game were the slowdowns which were minor, but noticeable. Sometimes the FPS drop to less than 20. Just going from screen to screen makes the game dip. Liked the remake, good graphics, good remake of the OST, too. The new content is only interesting to people with the amiibo or with friends who also own the game, otherwise, at least for me it wasn’t interesting. I barely remember playing this as a kid, I never finished it, when I got it on Gameboy, but finished it on an emulator… now, this felt so… different. Was a joy to get back to it.

(taken by me)

Horizon zero dawn: my personal game of the year 2019 and pretty much the game of the generation for the playstation 4.
Of course, I buy all good games, but it is very difficult to decide which game to play next for me. I decided to play horizon after wrapping up GR2 and, boy this was a ride. First, you play a redhead named ALOY. Weird name, weird to have your protagonist being a redhead (I think this is the first time for me having such a character). The story at the beginning or the reason why your character starts the journey is stupid, but the world, the people and fighting those machines becomes better and better once it clicks for you. The start is slow, and the beginning is very difficult, because you barely have weapons, you barely have any perks, no pouches or any sort of help to get through the wild. I think it clicked for me after 5h. I have to admit; the controls are a little bit overfilled with different inputs. But once you get past that, the game starts to become fun. There are some things I’d like to point out, why this game is great:

1. I loved ALOY because, she had red hair(a first time for me, hence cool), and she was actually a little bit like lightning from ff13; Sporty looks and a bit outlandish. I liked that. She always had a witty answer to all stupid assholes you meet throughout the game. You helped those fuckers even though they don’t deserve that. I really hope to see her again.
2. the controls were a bit frustrating, but after getting into the controls, it made a lot of fun to try out the weapons (there were too few in my opinion, sad that they did not include more variety) and the different perks you could equip them with. To control aloy felt natural. You could run, walk, loot enemies and it was nicely executable. After the mess of GR2, aloy was a saint sent to me to behave the way a character has to in games.
3. the story starts a little bit harsh, is unsettling and not welcoming the gamer into the immersing world. At least not me. I did not feel attached or felt sympathetic to any of those at the beginning. The story surrounds a world where people live in tribes, hunt with bows and speers. There is matriarchy which outcasted aloys fosterfather and isolated him completely. I found this idea of matriarchy awesome. I only read about this in books, so I have never seen this in action. It felt so outlandish, but this is what a videogame should be about: NEW UNEXPLORED WORLDS and NOTHING EVER SEEN BEFORE. You will eventually learn the truth why you were an outcast, how and why those tribes to exist and what the matter actually is in that world. Loved the twist at around 60% of the game.
4. the graphics were out of this world. The game’s aesthetics were awesome. I rarely comment graphics, but this is by far the best looking ps4-game. Nothing comes close, not even this generation of games. Of course it is not comparable with games such as okami or cuphead(the graphical best games ever created for me) but for a realistic game it was bonkers. I made so many screenshots than never before. I rarely use that feature, but in horizon, there were so many moments, where I thought, “how the fuck is this possible?”. The composition was straight up, dawg.
5.content-wise, it blew me away. I usually check out the games on howlongtobeat.com before starting one. I thought, well I will just spend around 30h and then go to the next game… but this game kidnapped my mind. I was constantly in awe and wanted more.

Eventually, I finished every sidemission, have maxed out the weapons and I finished the the frozen wilds which took me another 20h. the DLC is the best DLC I have ever witnessed. Great to see DLC being executed this well. The graphics and world in this one were even better and fun to explore. I was baffled, that in the end, I spent 85h to play and finish this game, what an experience.

Demon’s Tilt:
A gamepass title for the xbox. Demonic pinball, with puzzles and shoot’em up elements. It has nice visual, and it looks like a game from the 90s. I can’t believe someone has developed such a concept and it actually not just is fun, but a very grotesque and awesome game. It has the vibe of “…-this is the final round, then iam stop playing for today”. Absolute gem, when it comes to niche games, except that this is a very good game and idea. love these „mixed-up“-games, where devs are mixing impossible genre together to create something new.

Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night: Taken from Gamepass. I will buy this game once it costs less than 10€. Even though this game has been released more than a year ago, it still is fucking buggy. WHAT IS THE PROBLEM!??! It constantly crashes, has a lot of glitches (such as a missing head of Miriam). except that, it is a very classic castlevania. I have to say, that the OST is not as good as the old music from past games. But it is hearable and okayish. I have played 15h, and somehow, I do not feel the vibe anymore to finish the game. It becomes like a grind, because I don’t know where to go, and I don’t want to look it up on the internet. There are literally NO FUCKING SIGNS or CLUES what to do next anymore, once you reach around 75%. THIS SUCKS.

GRID: Boy, was I a big fan of grid1+2. Drifting never felt better in a game than this. The feel of speed, the tracks, the cars were great and it felt good for semi-arcadey racegame.
This “reboot” of the series which is simply called grid but in big letters is a huge disappointment. I got this thanks to a friend in the industry for free, but the game is such a disappointment. They even sold a season pass for 20-30€ which at the time when I activated it, nothing was included. They will release 3 seasons with content, but during some time. The main games content is a lacklustre when you compare it with the old games. How can codemasters fuck it up this bad.
Graphics are a bit glitchy too. If you start a race, you sometimes see the textures and filters aren’t fully loaded, so the race you are going to start, looks in the first 3seconds a bit like a ps2-game.

Final Fantasy XV – Royal Edition: One of the most hyped games of my life. Fans were waiting for this game almost 10 years until it was released in a complete different form. I love the OST, because yoko shimomura is the new Nobuo Uematsu. I bought this game, once all the DLC were released. I bought it unorthodoxly on Xbox(X is the best version on consoles).

I actually wasn’t interested in starting this game when I bought it in 2018. I was so fed up from Japanese rpgs, I felt disappointed from lightning returns and XIII-2. JRPGS felt dead or I felt that I don’t want to sit through mindless grinding and stupid filler-like story-archs in games. Eventually after Horizon Zero Dawn, I got the chance between this and Witcher3(everyone is hyped and watched the show on Netflix) so I thought maybe because of the tv hype, I might have a look into this. But witcher3 is an even bigger game than ff15, which is why I choose the former one. The start is slow, the car and the driving parts suck, the graphics feel dated and clunky and the worst: the controls… So overloaded and actually nothing works the way it should. I love the ost, the character feel nice and upbeat and they chat a lot, but… the car sucks, the overworld feels empty and dead, it takes ages to get from one point to another, there are too many sidemissions and… the menu is so slow and a drag to navigate through. Iam 15h in and I still struggle with the controls. I have selected another control scheme, because the other one sucked totally. I randomly and by accident open the map or open a menu, instead of fighting or interacting with objects.


Iam disappointed that this is really the final version of the product fans were eagerly waiting for more than 10 years. The game came out in 2016. And was still a bit unfinished but received constant updates. The first people reported during December 2016, that this game does not live up to the expectations… which is why i started to become worried. When I heard there will be a pro/x version of the game, I decided to wait until those versions will be available… and yeah, here we are. The hype is over, most people do not seem to care about this anymore and the online mode+dlc were not the things, fans were looking for.
I will give a final verdict, once I finish the game, but as of right now, I do not feel the urge or vibe of a final fantasy game. Maybe it will start somewhere along the way. The ost is very good, it has a a huuuuge OST and it has the melodies from the early trailers shown in 2006. It even has the ost(or parts of it) of the older games. That is indeed a nice bonus. But whats the point, when the game is bad?

Thanks for reading, it took me a few hours to write down, what I have played in the last 6 months. hope you enjoyed it a bit.

REOL -金字塔 (Kinjitou)

Januar 21, 2020

Happy new year,

just a quick upload:

REOL with her newest album.
1. 金字塔
3. ゆーれいずみー (phanto(me))
4. -ムーブのための試奏曲 Nr.4- (mubu no tame no shisou kyoku)
5. ハーメルン (hameln)
6. un, deux, trois
7. insider
8. ダリ (dali)
9. -ルネの小品 Nr.9- (rune no shouhin)


have fun with the download! was just released a few hours ago, because i was totally anticipating it, i got it here for ya guys.

ecological thoughts

Dezember 7, 2019

hey guys.

sry for the long absence.

today, i would like to write about the ecologic disaster which is slowly enrolling.

Since right-wing thinking has become normal, and tv-broadcasters searching for entertainer for making fun of todays occurings such as the climate-change becomes more and more ok. Also that democracy or the narrative of refugees who are only here for the money is somehow fed by that.

But that’s not the topic, it is the ecologic disaster. Why do I think like that? Well, there are more than enough people who are demonstrating, WORLDWIDE, so many science-researchers have been saying this for years, but no one in the politics listens to that at all. Why, because, you cant make money out of that. There was recently an article(click) which said, that one of the exxon employees actually found out about this in the early 70s, but exxon decided to not publish this, instead there were other studies pushed into the public for making sure, the sold oil is getting on fire. And even before, there were already researchers foreseeing what will come in the 21st century. And yet, when so many things are literally lying in front of us(climate change + climate refugees) right-wingers and so many other people still close their eyes before that truth. We are driving into our own abyss despite having so many possibilities to make sure that this will not happen. One example, which this whole problem is existing is this: money.


Back in the day there were high taxes once a person makes “enough” money.(this means, once a CEO makes let’s say 1m a year, the tax rate would spark from 5% to more than 70%) The state would kick in and get the net gross, and it would actually not make sense to overproduce something and overflow the markets with shit.

Before and after the 2nd world war, 1% of the richest persons was less than 30% of all the wealth on this world.

Now, the 1% owns more than 60%. And its even crazier than that: jeff bezos makes so much money, it would take decades and thousands of years to spend all that. But this is not the problem: the problem is, that money is now more and more concentrated on very few people. Back then it would be a few thousand people who were owning 50% of all the wealth, now it has gone back to around 10 people. And here lies the problem, we are not using money the way it should. I really dislike, when I read and here, when CEOs and boardmembers of a company decide by THEMSELVES how much they should earn for this year and how much of a bonus they should give each other. What’s the point if one person fucks up a company, but still gets a few million dollars of compensation? How is that possible or reasonable? What’s the point of state governed subsidized help for a company and in the end,  there hasn’t been done anything and the CEOs and boardmembers go out of that period with more pockets full of cash than last year?

Another thing is, how the German government tries to cash on the “ecologic bandwagon”. “now we dun fucked up”, is we have to find a way to get money from all these ecological changes. But there is not much room and time for that.

This is all part of the problem.

Yes, we have more wealth than ever on this planet, but on the other hand, we don’t let the people, who are likely to change something to do so. I find it particularly very sad that Greta Thunberg was able to “start” this green wave. There were so many Indian, south American, African kids/researchers saying all the time, that the industrial world can’t go on like this. We put up rules for everyone, but only we are not playing by the rules. And not only in the ecological part, but also on a state-wise side too. For too long, Europeans/Americans have fucked up Africa. Now the Chinese have risen and develop Africa in the same way like china. There are streets, shops, hospitals 4g-spots in Africa. The Chinese are of course exploiting the Africans, obviously. They are also not interested in making any friends there, but there is a difference between the Chinese and the Europeans from back in the day: the Chinese aren’t slaughtering and treating the Africans in a bad way. They are not splitting skulls and “collecting ears/hands”. China has said, that we have to play by their rules now. We are not getting the bill. And I can absolutely understand that this is an earned achievement by china. After all those years of exploitation and fucking over other countries, now china is in a state to dictate how we have to roll. You can see it on the example of social scoring system, VW and Xinjiang.

-First the social-Score-System: It is similar like in an onlinegame: you get points for good behaviour, for praising the government or the politicians, being on time, for pointing out, once something bad happens. You get bad points for bad behaviour, for being not nice in public, for getting a ticket because you parked wrong, for puking on the streets after a lot of liqueur. And this system gets rolled out in china these days. It does not only apply to Chinese, but also to companies who are interested in working and producing in china.

-VW is a german standard car producer, but in china it is sort of a very high-class car producer. To be able to produce in china, china said, that you have to share all the available technologies with them. If they aren’t, they are not allowed in producing in china. Since VW is also interested in making a lot of bucks, they sagged in. but they are not the only one, every foreign company has to do so. Nintendo had to say yes to a partnership with tencent, otherwise they would not be allowed to sell their hard/software in china. Blizzard needed to apply and change a set of rules to actually sell/rent out their games in that country. Hollywood needs to have at least one Chinese/Asian character portrayed and it should not be an evil one, so they get the licence to show the movie in Chinese cinemas, just to name a few.

-Xinjiang is a very remote area in china. There are the Uyghurs, a Turkish-related bunch of people. Their language has more in common with Turkish, they are religious and they have their own set of culture. China has been on a killing spree since the revolution to eliminate every culture which is not the han-chinese culture in their respective country. The same happened to Tibet, where they destroyed the rich heritage of the tibetian monks. They forcibly settled up a han-chinese people in that region, to make it more Chinese-conform. Xinjiang has badluck: since there are so many muslim-related terrorist-attacks, the Chinese government fears the Uyghurs will eventually do that too in china. So china started to become even more gross to them: all sold goods in that region are state-controlled. Anyone who is going out for a drink(alcohol), speaks not Chinese, is practising traditional religious rituals is automatically a culprit.

There are even concentration camps in that region. To foreign medias question, what these camps are for, the Chinese government responded:

Everyone in there is there by choice. They can leave anytime. It is a building for learning about Chinese culture.

And the west said: ok.


And now, it goes deep: VW is producing near the concentration camps. And you can guess and count together. Most likely the concentration camp”volunteers” are working in those VW-factories.

The foreign media also asked VW how and why they do this.

The answer of VW is also mind-boggling: everything applies to our own set of rules. We care for human rights and follow the conduct.

And that’s it.



And no one even sets foot in there. VW fears also to get problems with the social scoring system, which is why they are answering like this.

My point is: china is having a very nice way to treat things outside of their country, but inside, it looks different. And china is the power of this century, they will apply some rules in this century, that’s for sure.


Back to the ecological problem: I think, there are right now a two scenarios happening in the next 30-50years:

  1. earth is going to die, and so are we.
  2. we find in a miraculous way the solution to our ecological problems
  3. we actually find a way to colonize other planets and earth becomes the scum-planet for poor people.


1+2 could also go together.


The problems we have, are not really problems, it is just closing our eyes, feeling and smelling the money which is lying in front of us, which has become worthless, while we are on a sinking ship.


Have a good day.

2019- one year with no blog? (reupload)

Dezember 2, 2019

Long time no see.
I started a few blogs, but never finished them. Now, on a snowy 1st of May i started another blog(this is already in the past).
Quite a few things happened. Not only did I move to Munich, had a surgery at the beginning of November, because I dislocated my shoulder during sleep in November, but I have also sort of lost my job and found another one(and lost this one again in July :/). I also moved to another flat. The job was literally just 5 minutes in front of my new home, which was super convenient… But on the other hand, being tired from work and recovering from it or getting ready for work or real life activities took a toll on me.

So many things happened, I cant summarize all these here and now, I wanted and I still want to learn python as a countermeasure not completely becoming a retard. I also realized, not being able to discuss and getting a mental and physical way of exchanging myself is crippling me. I degenerate. I feel so ableistic, I don’t want to become one. The exchange, scientific discourse is what makes me grow. Not being part of it and trying to drown my thirst for knowledge in capitalistic anti-behaviour is crippling my mind. For one, there are two people, I usually discuss, one person becomes as weird as one friend I have known back then when I lived in hamburg. I should have never showed this person 4chan. This person behaves like that. At the beginning being on the same term, but now… more and more telling me how trump is making sure china, Mexicans and Europeans are not stealing or flooding the US with unneccessary stuff. Even though he was anti-trump at the beginning, he started to become more and more in terms with his parents. Now I almost do not have contact with him(since I did not go to korea anymore), it is also because he is more getting into his family and his wife’s family. I do not have the power and strength to still squander my time with everyone’s problem. It is sad to see ways parting. And I always believed that you can be in contact. But it needs to be both ways. Friendship does not work one-way, otherwise it takes a toll on one side. Being on the same page is not what I am thriving for, it is also not that iam interested in making anyone get the same opinion but to create new views and possibilities.

I dont know if anyone still reads this blog. I wanted to write a few things here and there but iam honest, there was not much happening or making around me making me think. Except personal problems. Relationship problems. Friendship problems. Of course, politicalwise, there was much going on. A rightwing“flashmob“demonstration last year in summer which showed the true face of the east of germany. An angry german demonstrating man who eventually turned out to be a governmental security worker. A Verfassungsschutz-Chief, who releases racist press info and denies racism exists in GER. German police forces who prepared for the day of judgment to kill dozens of migrants and a bunch of political headfigures.
It devours my life. Real life which does not go the way it should, devours me. I can’t let so many bad things devour me. I have tried to so many things, but it does not seem, that i am strong enough to do so. I feel powerless to do the things I would like to do. I would like to thrive for a better world, but i do not feel entitled to pursue those things. I see people around me having that power to change, but they dont. Maybe it is just me overthinking things, as some people say.
It takes so much strength and power to tell people, how things should not be, for people who are entitled or naturally receiving things or being treated, while I have to fight/reason for it.
Last week I went to Hamburg, for a couple of days and it just blew my mind, how retarded some things went. My last flatmate from there has become a tyrant even though he has become father. So I thought, he might slow down a bit, calm down and work out his future life with his girlfriend and his babygirl. Instead, he almost beat up his girlfriend in front of me and barely treats his baby good. His girlfriend is no better. She smiles and says, his boyfriend is what a good GERMAN man has to be. I seriously thought I have lost my mind when I saw this shitshow of a relation. I am so sad, iam so disappointed, I seriously question myself, if I am a human or if it is not just me who degenerates but everyone else around me too. This was a shock and I honestly don’t want to be an acquainted friend of those people. Going to hamburg felt like time travel. Good and bad times, in general I was very biased, if this any good.

Don’t live in the past, go beyond future.

this was my motto, and this is my motto. Going for a better tomorrow, don’t look back.

But it becomes harder and harder, if the people around you start to not listen to you anymore. It somehow hits me very hard to see people to „deny“ that my point of view is not valid. Iam not even interested in making anyone taking on my stance or my point of view, the only thing is to make people give a glimpse of what my reality looks like. This is where I realized, how different people is, where the capabilities of democracy and of imaginations are. This is where civilization is ending. People are not interested in something unless it affects you. As an example, people are not interested in „innovative“ tech, unless it „takes“ something away or „adds“ something to their daily life.

A friend of mine is very conservative, he never used smartphones until 2015. He still ordered pizza via phone until last year when I showed him a pizza-ordering-app with paypal-payment.
He feels threatened because people start to pay more and more with digital services so he fears that his hardcash will become obsolete. So his stance is being against any form and possibility of options to pay digital.

Another option is as an example to give other people the right to have an equally good life in Germany. There are right now many people, who don’t understand how little refugees have, who fled from their home countries. These people see only the benefits for refugees which Germany offers to these people instead of seeing what lies behind and what toll these refugees had to pay to come to Germany. They simply do not want to share „this/their“ position.

Another example I told my last flatmate from hamburg, how some people in Munich, after the horrible accident which occurred in Frankfurt( a person killed a kid and almost his mother but she was able to escape), done by a mentally deranged person, were keeping some meters of distance between me, them and the tracks. I saw their pain/anger/fear in their eyes. Instead of listening or even slightly trying to understand, he simply denied the fact, that this ever would happen in Germany and especially to me. This makes me very sad. Trying to hypothetically come up with a case, with a customized scenario where he is the culprit was for him too much out of the blue. This is where I saw, that this is his limit.

Another thing is, which grinded me very hard lately, is the fact, that many statistics and tables which need to be corrected, because it always needs to be adjusted to current times. Some might know the marshmallow-test (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment) from post-world-war to see that every child is actually as gifted as any other child.
It turned out 1-2years ago, that this test was done only on very wealthy (white) smart parents, so it did not show how imbalanced it was in general. It was not an important fact at that time. The person who conducted the test also said, please do take this result with caution, because he himself saw some flaws in it.
What I would like to point out is, that back then, no one saw, because you did not talk about it, that it did matter, if you are coming from a poor family, from a rich family, from educated academic or simply households. There is also a difference where the parents are coming from and how education is perceived in their original culture or home country, even religion is a matter. So this marshmallow-test was back then a state of the art test to show off, that children show early signs of how they will turn out 30 years later.
But now in the year 2019, with additional layers, you can extend the information you already have at hand. And this is what right now is missing in any statistics or social deficit. Things were left out back then because you simply did not discuss, mention or include such things back then. It is visible but so many people do not want to get into these topics. The same exact flatmate tries to tell me how „thanks to the muslim invasion“ we have now domestic violence established here in Germany. . My flatmate interpreted this as being imported by muslims and migrants. I feel so ashamed, that he is not seeing the way of how things are being handled. Funny though is the fact, that Germany never took this a deficit until 1990. Rape done by the husband on his wife was seen as a small quarrel between a married couple, wives who got beat up and called the police were accused to behave and to think over if they really want „to cause“ problems for the family and the city.
It started to become a thing in the 80/90s when Germany finally started to do statistics about this. This does not mean, that we never had this before the 80/90s in Germany, it simply never was done before or „defined“ as such. Times changed so do scientific rules and statistics. We have now acquired the knowledge that the back then researched „marshmellow test“ is flawed, the unnameable had now been defined. It was never a thing to include people back then, who were white, nor was it a thing to differ between poor and rich. Now we have that knowledge, thanks to new studies as well as new social facts. And this is just one mere example for so many things, and not just for my once cool flatmate, not for a nation but for many people out there who love to think of the „good ‚ol days“. I would never dare to say, that I am smart. i feel like the dumbest person in existence, because of right now, because I lost AGAIN my job, I feel like a miserable piece of garbage, who is a good for nothing.

I have moved almost a year ago to munich, and I have to say, so far, my life has not dramatically improved. Even though iam thankfully not living anymore in my draconian parents house, it is still far from living independent and comfortably. There are so many things I would love to improve. Not just living-standard-wise, but also the social aspects itself. Living in a relationship is far more than just living together with a flatmate. It is not necessarily as funny as with a dudebro, who can be as slapstick as you. But it also should not be something where you are limiting your freedom and your capabilities. It makes me sad, that I already am 32 years old and still have not achieved anything so far in my life. Those throw-backs certainly do take a toll on you. I would like to work on that. And of course of improving my skills about thoughts, philosophy and working on the future. My social environment is not what makes great thoughts about how to live in the distant future possible. I need to improve or change that. But as of right now, I feel so powerless and swoon the moment I merely think into that direction.

Here is some music:
Reol is such a great singer, I dont have a specific explanation, why I like her so much. I mostly like her style(even though not everything is looking pretty or cool), here musical style is just the perfect evolution of anime music, vocaloid and new EDM-flavour. I really love that.
The songs Bring it on, Utena and Phanto(me) are really great and I have listened to some songs more than 100 times in a row.


Jijitsu Jou



i think, i am done with IIDX. the last few iterations had a mediocre output of music. jubeat and reflec beat did not receive any updates for more than a year, i think KONAMI is sort of done. i still love the art of IIDX, because it looks edgy, rough and sick out of another world, but the music sort of does not evolve outside of that. sad, if you ask me. I like the cyberpunk styled theme of 26, but cmon guys, where is all the juice which was oozing back in the day?

i hope, that i will come more often to release more proper blogposts, and i want to focus a little more on specific stuff in my blog posts… such as political landscape change in germany – seen from a foreign perspective.

and last but not least here is an update of the games lately(from this year so far):

i originally started this blogentry in may, as you might see it. then i got lost in RL. june was the month when i went down the rabbit hole. i resurfaced in august, but it does not feel, that i have overcome the problem(s). iam still lost.

other than that, i think i uploaded this blogpost almost a month prior(in october) before deactivating it.

i felt not really posting this, but i am right now preparing the next update.

so yeah, lets see.


November 14, 2018

It has been a while…

So many things happened since last June.
I cannot start from what happened last time at the beginning of this text, so first I would love to enter this blogentry with the biggest earthquake in the world of politics:
Merkel will step down and will not be available for candidacy in the next election.
What does that mean?
First of all, she was the leader of the „free“ world, she was the head of EU, she was modernizing the EU, she was bringing the EU to the next step. She did so many great things, which will be remembered vividly. We have the rise of the right wing not just in Europe but everywhere. The right in Germany started to demand a stepdown of merkel since 2015, when she opened and welcomed refugees in Germany. Seeing it from different angles is important:
Germany was seen until then as „oh you were back then nazis“. Now with the refugee crisis, Germany did something no other country(in the EU) did: humanitarian help. Everyone else did discuss about this, a lot of countries and critics said, that Germany tried to break free from the nazi-curse through this, others said Germany makes off a good dime off the refugees(well it is true, Germany is wealthier than ever before, the industry is by far the strongest in EU and no one cant compete with it) but it has shaken the foundation in the german politics:
The CDU, a conservative party has shifted to a very large portion to the left, a lot of people didn’t like this movement. People started to steer to the right and were confused. Before then, merkel and the CDU never did anything spectacular or should I say, they were always behind with politic decisions. Now with this move, everyone not just Germany but the whole world started to talk about Germany again. Not just cars, not just Nazis, but as a humanitarian act to help out refugees. And yes, problems have occurred, there were tons of mistakes and some wrong people flooding into the country, but the majority is not interested into making life difficult but to flee from a difficult life. 3 years after this major eruption, we have a lot of right wing groups and conspiracy theorists telling us, how jews and muslims trying to decimate the white majority. I cant wrap my head around this new borderline bullshit. On one hand it’s the jews again, on the other hand its muslims. How much bullshit can you make up? It is unbelievable how these theories are still widely accepted and even being discussed in open public. Thanks to the internet, people can roam and post their bullshit publicly. Its great to exchange opinions, we never had that before, but problem is, that we started to see more and more people boasting and sharing wrong beliefs as well as keeping their own private spaces. It is fine to have your own little „safe“ spaces, until it starts becoming a hub for wrong beliefs and hate aggregation to hurt and to decimate others. I cant believe, we are living in times, where the access to knowledge is limitless and people are limiting themselves to wrong faked news and knowledge. It is interesting how knowledge and news are conceived these days: now it is not anymore about journalists or newsoutlets, but about „hey, a friend shared a link about this“ or „my favourite youtuber has talked and invited (controversial) guests about this topic to his show“. The perception and the comprehension of news/knowledge have changed tremendously. I really cant wrap my haed around this. There was a fun coverage last year I guess. In „The Economist“ they wrote: „cool Germany“ as their headline. The article showed how awesome Germany has transformed over the past 5 years including how Germany was handling the refugee crisis and how well everything is working. In the same month, there was a „Der Spiegel“-cover writing as a headline „is this still my country?“, asking in the article, how Germans don’t feel like germans anymore(as well as opinions about people who are fearing muslims taking over Germany and ground of the original german people).

this is so unbelievable, how people from the outside are seeing Germany (the economist) as a great country while inside, Germany pisses their pants (der Spiegel) over a few refugees.
As Germany, we should not forget: before second world war and the killing of jews, Germany had more than 80million inhabitants. We have reached this numbers again in 2010. It took Germany more than 60 years to get back those killed people in numbers(or through immigration).
Yes, there were casualties and some breaking the law or doing something unlawful should be prosecuted, but I am still thinking, that merkel did a historic move, people will remember it for a very long time. Merkel was the only person in power trying to unite the quarrelling EU. No one else tried to solve or calm the EU. This should be seen as a major accomplishment since the US/CHINA/RUSSIA should be seen as bigger threats, instead of trying to fight each other in the EU. We are Europe. And of course we should work together worldwide, I don’t want to call out US/C/R as bad countries but in the current state, trump tries to destabilize the EU, china has total control over Africa(and no one cares+a minor reason which adds fuel to the whole refugee thing) and Russia being russia.
I really hope, the person, who will be in charge after merkel knows his/her shit and will know how to handle the legacy. I really hope for a more and better unified Europe than ever before.

I moved to munich:
I never felt more free before in the last 2 years. I cant believe how relieving it was to move out. It was so undignifying to live in Heilbronn with such a narrow-minded-environment. It is so sad to say that, but I degenerated in that time tremendously. It is very sad. But I am very happy and glad that I got out of this hole. I really cant believe that I wrote or said that in a very long time. Living back there feels now retrospectively like a hellhole. I wasn’t able to think free nor was I able to just be myself.
My life in munich changed in just 2 months so much for me. No more freaking waking up out of nowhere just to do some shit for my parents, nor did I get a shitshow pressed into my face out of nowhere. Even though munich was not my city I wanted to live in, I moved to the western citydistrict of munich which has everything I need. i still barely know what there is in the city, I just moved here at the beginning of september, but I feel I don’t have the time to get to know this city as it was back then. It was so different, when I was a student, the whole city was my playground. Within 6months back then in Hamburg, I knew almost everything in the city. Now it feels like I have only seen 2-3 streets in munich, which is so sad. I need to explore more, but where to get all that time…

Dislocating my shoulder:
I dislocated my shoulder in august and another time in mid-september. I got a surgery, my first in my whole life at the beginning of nov. for almost 2 weeks I was sick sitting here with a wristbandsleeve not being able to move my shoulder/arm much. Tomorrow I will go back to work, which makes me nervous. Getting surgery is something not cool. Now I really appreciate being healthy.

Last but not least #gamerleaksDE on twitter:
A few days ago #GamerleaksDE was released by some anonymous group. This is not very new and all the things which have been said there are not really new. People gaming have been talking shitty since forever. It depends in which groups you are hanging around. I really wonder, why everyone is reacting now this shocked. My hypothesis is that people, who are not gaming online, nor gaming at all are reacting this shocked. Another thing is, that depending on the genre you play, the worse and more toxic it gets with offending each other or downplaying specific things. This is one of the reasons, why I stopped playing online around 2012-2013.

Another blogentry is in the making, It will follow based or related to this topic soon.

Random blog from Endjune

Juni 25, 2018

I don’t even know why I write this blog. Stuff changes quite fast. Today I want to write about something controversial: LGBT (some other letters most likely missing, but I am not in the scene, so I don’t know)

It is very interesting how this issue, never known before the early 2000s, which is not “causing” problems or supressing any sort of freedom in the western society or does not affect more than 5% of the society gets more attention to detail than far greater threats or issues.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not deem to downtalk this, but what I find mindboggling is the fact, that this was never an issue: gay people could walk around in big cities, lesbian are still being “downlooked” in villages. But it was the same way 20 years ago, when there was not much LGBT-activity in the politics. But what I find massively interesting is the fact, that even though it is less than 5% of the people in the society, which are affected by this, it become very big and is now more present than ever.

Let us compare it to something, which is not a minor problem: minorities in the US/Germany.

Why are black/latin people still looked down? Why are they still being seen as an issue? Why is there still raging or uprising racism?

I can talk more about racism in Germany: in this country, we have not accepted “foreigners” getting a german passport or being born in Germany as germans not long ago. Even though the rules and laws have been existing for a long time, german society is still a very conservative one. We are still questioning one persons ethnicity, we are still asking why a person has a weird name, or why this person is able to talk good german. We are wondering, when a person tells us he or she is from Germany, but from the looks, the person cant be from Germany. Absolutely not. We are asking the person for what kind of effectivity he or she brings to the society. This is how we roll in Germany.

Germany has been a melting pot in Germany since forever. There is no “one german”. Everyone in the middle of Europe has been influenced by Germans.

Whole of Scandinavia, the Germanics, Baltics, Finland, almost all former soviet countries and before, France, Belgium, Netherlands, Swiss, Austria, it goes all the way ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A .

If you look at the germans in berlin, they are called Prussians,

If you look at the germans near freiburg, they look more French. If you go to Bavaria, people northern parts of Germany are heavily influenced by Scandinavia again. In hamburg, you call “wichteln” a form of secret santa presents “julklapp”. It is the same word as in denmark or Sweden.

So you get the drill. 800years ago, when the crusaders fucked over the whole world, they brought back turks to the holy roman empire of german nations( the place before it was called Germany) which got those “Beutetürken” Christianised and germanised. There are many places in Bavaria/saxony, which have influences of the Osman empire or of turks from back then. Western Turkish people sometimes don’t look more different than Bavarian people (the eastern part of turkey is a different thing).

But we have now more then ever, again this kind of shittalk. Talk about separatism and about things which cant be defined like that. It fades away in the lines in between.

You have to make a point, you have to pinpoint things. If you don’t prove or show-off, you are being wrong. This is a huge problem in our time right now. This is a very US-centric way of dealing with things. But back to the topic: LBGT is now more vivid than ever, despite the fact that only ca. 5% are dealing with issues and gets solved when people move into cities. Does racism get solved when people move to cities? No. in fact just moving to cities does not solve anything. If you just live in a Turkish quarter or in a gay quarter of the city does not make the problem vanish into thin air. Super sad. Another thing which just grinds and spreads shit all over my face is the fact, that we are dealing with a very weird way of racism in Germany: everyone foreign is automatically a muslim or a person with “migrationshintergrund” which is just a stupid word for foreign looking person.

I don’t identify myself with any of that. And it feels shit to be always put into such categories. I always have to fend off myself. When I lived in hamburg, radical muslims tried to reach out for me, thinking I was a moderate muslim. On the other hand, people in general I have to do something to do with these sorts of things. And I do not. I don’t want to be put in such categories, nor do I want to deal with such stereotypes. It just pisses me off in a grand way. We have racism for around 400 years, and we are not able to solve such problems, while legalizing LGBT stuff seems a no brainer. I still see people complain about it being ostracized in public but guys come on: I don’t want to see people having sex in public. Whether its gay or fat hetero people, it is the fucking same: keep it private, it’s your thing, you don’t have to show off.

It is overboarding nationalism and stupid talk about globalism. If people tell me we have mass population in Germany, the best reason to tell them is: before 2nd world war Germany had around 80m inhabitants. We just reached those numbers again in the 2000s because of unification and immigrants. Now guess how many people got killed during ww2 as well as were driven off their home during that time. Have a look to Baltic countries or Sweden: massive portions of land where no one lives or moves away to live in super crowded cities where people start having trouble to pay their rent.

We have a masspopulation problem in Africa, china and india. Infrastructure does not keep up with the way of people multiplying there. That is the only problem we have there. There is enough space, but people are too dumb to use it.

A very good friend of mine told me, I am always the person, who stands up and is against reason x. I think in the last example, I showed you why. Because I dislike the fact, that people are spreading lies or fake news. Oh, and I also dislike stupidity and misinformation. If I am wrong, iam happy to get the right info.


Why does racism stay a openly addressed topic? Well, we have a shift since the end of obamas period: trump gave alt-right a stage to live to the fullest without fearing consequences. And I see more and more people claiming, white people cant be racist, because white people are a minority??? How and why can you say this bullshit? This is some borderline conspiracy stuff. There is no interest in eliminating any race, this is about not taking advantage of another ethnicity. If you happen to be one of the major leading industrial nations, well guess where all the wealth does come from. Why do still some countries try to cope with poverty? Because of embargoes and being ostracized from the global markets. This is part of the raging war economy as well as why mass migration is a thing. on top of that, there are some religious extremists trying to intervene with their stupid redneck/freshwater belief to enlighten the technological world with shit from yesteryear.

The latest shit which about racism, which boggled my mind was the fact, that Özil and durmaz, one german national soccerplayer and Swedish national soccerplayer got shit by fans during the world championship. Both persons are citizens from their respective countries, both do have origins from another countries, but still have to deal with the weirdest and most disgusting way of racism. This just makes me puke. Iam very ashamed of being a german to see people react to the özil-erdogan stuff this ugly. How can they? Yes, özil, this was very bad timing to meet up with Erdogan. You have done quite a lot of times in the past, this shouldn’t be news. Still got caught up and everyone is raging to “kick him back to the donkey country”. Iam so ashamed to read stuff like this, people from Germany claiming to know who is a true german and who is not. Super fucked up and the world championship does show it off in a new and massive way. The FIFA/world cup thing in general is just a really fucked up capitalistc machinery showing off how racist the world itself is: FIFA was shutting off half of the world for quite a long time, then allowing more and more countries into it, but had a lot of strict rules. The same was about handling ads during the WC. This year for the second time china was able to show off some company names the WEST has never heard of. A public outcry in the west was about to erupt because who the fuck are these companies and why are they sponsoring the WC??? When I read this, I was super irritated: the FIFA should always give it to those who are ethically correct and are the highest bidder. But for the first and second time, it is not just exclusively just WESTERN companies anymore who are those being shown off in those ads. OUTRAGOUS. Stupid as I would say. For me, it should me like this:

50% local companies, 30% companies from that region(the neighbor countries) and the other 20% should be global companies. This helps boost local economy as well as the bordering nations companies.


But, hey who cares about an equal competition, lets just rip apart poor countries and companies.


Last entry of my blog is dedicated to resetera.

This is actually something which made me sad.

I really like this forum for its news, but the culture of discussion has been weird on neoGAF before, resetera just made it worse(I thought they would be better). Just to revisit what happened on neoGAF last year in oct/nov.

Some allegations were made across to evilore, the owner of neoGAF. His mods were already bonkers about banning people with “other” opinions, just not being on the same terms was already enough to swing around hardcore with the ban hammer.

Evilore was also not ok with how some mods behaved so the mods betrayed him, resigned and let anarchy reign the boards for a few days.

The mods moved away from neoGAF, making it look like evilore and the user are at fault.

In fact, it was the mods, who abused their powers.

NEW-neoGAF was born from that, but most users posted porn/shitposted and moved to resetera for a fresh start.


All looked good, but within a month the same bans happened again. Protecting the board, resetera from everything which is not the mods’opionion. I quickly realized that, and thought they might changed over the next couple of month, since it’s the same mods as back then on GAF. I was wrong. It’s the same amount of stupidity again. If you do not have the same opinion as them, you are destined to get REKT. Once, I questioned, since there were some assumptions and allegations against an OW-player(he was 20), if he really harassed a 14-year-old as well as if there is proof for that…  so this is already ban-worthy and the mods told me I am welcoming pedophilia.


Asking for proof and if this really happened is already considered pedophilia or a confirmation that I am welcoming this? What the fuck? I would never dare to “welcome pedophilia”.

So this already boggled my mind and I got the feeling, that this forum does not even let you the slightest chance to check up facts or discuss within those segments.

Next was kotakus soulcalibur-6-article being shit asking why ivy still has big breasts and a disgusting outfit or why it feels like a blast from the past.

The article obviously had a feminist approach, which is ok, but I asked, why cant people just let games be games. Tomb raider/lara craft looked disgusting too in the 90s and they changed it. Soulcalibur has a broad selection of characters, if one character is obviously exaggerated, it is fine. It does not have a weird fucked up way of suppressing women, it is a fantasy game in a fantasy world, this women, ivy, is obviously a dominant character. If you do not like the character, there are plenty of other characters: a blind person, a person who looks like a henchmen, small cute blonde Viking girl (you could be offended by her too) and tons of characters from all times and eras.

But yeah, lets get down to ivy, making her look like the only objectified woman.

So the article asks why ivy still looks so like a  90s wet boys club dream. It is a good question and you can ask this question. Everything is fine, since the approach was not dooming one side or another. For me, soulcalibur is an ok series of games. It was never a wonky game like dead or alive with super fucked up breast physics.

Long story short, resetera complained about this being sexist and objectifying women. I said, there are plenty of characters, just because one character has huge tiddys and looks like a wet dream, does not make the game bad. It does not carry any ill intentions.

It did not just got grounded, I got perm-banned for this.

I am sorry, the gaming culture is just super fucked and I really do not want to be associated anymore with it. It just makes me sick, that everything I like or love does get carried into something I cant control. It just makes me super sad and cringes me up.

Child of Notomorrow

Juni 5, 2018

Life is always changing. Everyone is changing. There is no such thing as stagnancy. There is always movement involved. My life has stopped working properly ever since I got lost in korea. In that time during expo, my postponed exchange semester, something has changed, which also changed my course of life. Or let us put it together like that: since then, my life broke into several pieces.

On one hand, I stopped admiring younha. On the other hand, I realized everyone around me is evolving constantly. Money, status, wife, coming around, experience, getting a social environment…

I realized, that the older I get, the lesser I have and I’ll have. Forgiveness is love. But mindfulness is equally important for the people around you. I realized, I am not important, as other people are important for me. I am nothing. Why is something I suggest less worth/interesting than, let’s say another person suggests it? Why can everyone land a job and I can’t? Why is everyone getting in a relationship and I do not? Why do I have to be full of knowledge and can’t achieve anything, while the stupid non-knowledgables(well at least when I talk to them) are nailing to get a job? Why is someone more influential, while actually he or she has not said or done anything meaningful? These are stupid and great questions at the same time.


I am at point, where nothing makes sense or fun anymore. I don’t like videogames, research, exploration, adventure have become meaningless which once were. I don’t see the reason why I should stay alive nor why I should put another credit into this old busted arcade machine which is my life. The game never was fun. This has been consuming me for so long, it devours me and I can’t bear it anymore. I feel worthless and I dislike the fact, that no one can’t or does not want to help me. It costs me a lot of effort to actually go out and ask someone, but in the end, I get only shameful answers and I feel even more trashed than before. For such a long time I had a very noble thought: connections and money does not mean anything. If you concentrate on the right things, good stuff will happen to you.

Here I am. Broke. A social outcast. Jobless. No proper connection to get a job. I can’t even land a job as a waiter. So, this means, I can just leave this planet, there is not much to do for me anymore. I hate it to be here, powerless, Hobsen’s choice. I never intended to get at this low point. I never imagined getting at this point as someone who has studied. I would never call myself an expert or a pro, but iam not retarded nor stupid. I have never imagined, that I would feel like as a loser at this point. Never would I have dreamt, that I would sink this low. There is literally nothing, which keeps me here. I hate every single breath and second being alive. I simply can’t enjoy playing videogames, my joy and my pride, stripped away. Stranded in a life full of despair and hopelessness. If or when I play videogames I get scolded by my parents for being a loser. This pretty much nails it. As if I intend to live like this. So, they take away the only joy I ever had. The only joy, which I could always rely on. Now sort of gone. I can’t simply enjoy games anymore in such an environment full of terror. Being back then adventurous, fearless and interested in everything and anything, now I feel like a coward. Stranded in a village full of crippled mental retards. And I slowly become one myself. Death is inevitable and I hope to put an end on this at the end of this year. I never asked for much during my life. I never tried to be a snowflake or someone with artificially made up better justice, I only tried to be reasonable and not completely apathetic regarding life. Being as understandable as possible, progressive. Now I get the end result in what kind of life I got stuck.

Nothing. Everyone else just moved on. I got stuck. Somewhere lost in the ether.

And even though I try to free myself from this misery and eventually also try to seek out for help, there is no response. Now, with 31 years, I’ve had enough. I never intended to live such a life nor this long, and there is no improved outcome in sight to be looking forward to. Even in my worst dreams, I would have never come up with the thought that I would get stuck in this shithole situation.


I watched a few movies recently, but not one movie has caught my attention. The villainess was a great action movie with awesome cuts and effects, but story-wise it was shit(so basically a marvel movie).

Last weekend I watched “children of men”, probably the best movie I have watched so far this year, most likely the best movie of the year. It is about a dystopian future of London in 2027. Humanity is not able to reproduce themselves, immigration has become a problem and is linked to diseases which cant be tracked down anymore. GB tries to protect its citizens while also humiliates everyone who is not coming from GB and sending them back where they came from. Its nice to see that the immigrants came from all over the world: Germany, Africa, middle east, asia, meaning that it is already not bound. But what I really loved about this movie: no stupid love story, the story was fresh as fuck. I have never witnessed such a story. And the greatest part of the movie: the camera angles, the way the story is being told: most of the action is being dealt with in the background. There is so much going on and it tells so much about this dystopian future.

I would describe this movie as: half life 2, homefront, metal gear solid 5 and the last of us. And guess what: the movie was done in 2005/2006; except half-life2, the games took influences out of the movie. I was in awe watching this movie. So underrated and I never heard of this movie before, no one ever mentioned or recommended this movie to me. The movie tells its story in a never before seen way. I think I said at least 5 times during the movie WTF. This almost never happens in movies, only in some Korean movies in the last few years… children of men is by far one of the greatest western movies I have ever seen. Hands down to the great actors, to the guys who crafted this world, the person who was in charge for the camera and in the end the person who wrote the book which this movie is based upon. I had such a blast and this movie was unbelievable. I would love to watch similar movies, where the story goes deep, where experimental camera angles are used to transport the feelings, emotion and atmosphere of the movie.