München

November 14, 2018

It has been a while…

So many things happened since last June.
I cannot start from what happened last time at the beginning of this text, so first I would love to enter this blogentry with the biggest earthquake in the world of politics:
Merkel will step down and will not be available for candidacy in the next election.
What does that mean?
First of all, she was the leader of the „free“ world, she was the head of EU, she was modernizing the EU, she was bringing the EU to the next step. She did so many great things, which will be remembered vividly. We have the rise of the right wing not just in Europe but everywhere. The right in Germany started to demand a stepdown of merkel since 2015, when she opened and welcomed refugees in Germany. Seeing it from different angles is important:
Germany was seen until then as „oh you were back then nazis“. Now with the refugee crisis, Germany did something no other country(in the EU) did: humanitarian help. Everyone else did discuss about this, a lot of countries and critics said, that Germany tried to break free from the nazi-curse through this, others said Germany makes off a good dime off the refugees(well it is true, Germany is wealthier than ever before, the industry is by far the strongest in EU and no one cant compete with it) but it has shaken the foundation in the german politics:
The CDU, a conservative party has shifted to a very large portion to the left, a lot of people didn’t like this movement. People started to steer to the right and were confused. Before then, merkel and the CDU never did anything spectacular or should I say, they were always behind with politic decisions. Now with this move, everyone not just Germany but the whole world started to talk about Germany again. Not just cars, not just Nazis, but as a humanitarian act to help out refugees. And yes, problems have occurred, there were tons of mistakes and some wrong people flooding into the country, but the majority is not interested into making life difficult but to flee from a difficult life. 3 years after this major eruption, we have a lot of right wing groups and conspiracy theorists telling us, how jews and muslims trying to decimate the white majority. I cant wrap my head around this new borderline bullshit. On one hand it’s the jews again, on the other hand its muslims. How much bullshit can you make up? It is unbelievable how these theories are still widely accepted and even being discussed in open public. Thanks to the internet, people can roam and post their bullshit publicly. Its great to exchange opinions, we never had that before, but problem is, that we started to see more and more people boasting and sharing wrong beliefs as well as keeping their own private spaces. It is fine to have your own little „safe“ spaces, until it starts becoming a hub for wrong beliefs and hate aggregation to hurt and to decimate others. I cant believe, we are living in times, where the access to knowledge is limitless and people are limiting themselves to wrong faked news and knowledge. It is interesting how knowledge and news are conceived these days: now it is not anymore about journalists or newsoutlets, but about „hey, a friend shared a link about this“ or „my favourite youtuber has talked and invited (controversial) guests about this topic to his show“. The perception and the comprehension of news/knowledge have changed tremendously. I really cant wrap my haed around this. There was a fun coverage last year I guess. In „The Economist“ they wrote: „cool Germany“ as their headline. The article showed how awesome Germany has transformed over the past 5 years including how Germany was handling the refugee crisis and how well everything is working. In the same month, there was a „Der Spiegel“-cover writing as a headline „is this still my country?“, asking in the article, how Germans don’t feel like germans anymore(as well as opinions about people who are fearing muslims taking over Germany and ground of the original german people).

this is so unbelievable, how people from the outside are seeing Germany (the economist) as a great country while inside, Germany pisses their pants (der Spiegel) over a few refugees.
As Germany, we should not forget: before second world war and the killing of jews, Germany had more than 80million inhabitants. We have reached this numbers again in 2010. It took Germany more than 60 years to get back those killed people in numbers(or through immigration).
Yes, there were casualties and some breaking the law or doing something unlawful should be prosecuted, but I am still thinking, that merkel did a historic move, people will remember it for a very long time. Merkel was the only person in power trying to unite the quarrelling EU. No one else tried to solve or calm the EU. This should be seen as a major accomplishment since the US/CHINA/RUSSIA should be seen as bigger threats, instead of trying to fight each other in the EU. We are Europe. And of course we should work together worldwide, I don’t want to call out US/C/R as bad countries but in the current state, trump tries to destabilize the EU, china has total control over Africa(and no one cares+a minor reason which adds fuel to the whole refugee thing) and Russia being russia.
I really hope, the person, who will be in charge after merkel knows his/her shit and will know how to handle the legacy. I really hope for a more and better unified Europe than ever before.

I moved to munich:
I never felt more free before in the last 2 years. I cant believe how relieving it was to move out. It was so undignifying to live in Heilbronn with such a narrow-minded-environment. It is so sad to say that, but I degenerated in that time tremendously. It is very sad. But I am very happy and glad that I got out of this hole. I really cant believe that I wrote or said that in a very long time. Living back there feels now retrospectively like a hellhole. I wasn’t able to think free nor was I able to just be myself.
My life in munich changed in just 2 months so much for me. No more freaking waking up out of nowhere just to do some shit for my parents, nor did I get a shitshow pressed into my face out of nowhere. Even though munich was not my city I wanted to live in, I moved to the western citydistrict of munich which has everything I need. i still barely know what there is in the city, I just moved here at the beginning of september, but I feel I don’t have the time to get to know this city as it was back then. It was so different, when I was a student, the whole city was my playground. Within 6months back then in Hamburg, I knew almost everything in the city. Now it feels like I have only seen 2-3 streets in munich, which is so sad. I need to explore more, but where to get all that time…

Dislocating my shoulder:
I dislocated my shoulder in august and another time in mid-september. I got a surgery, my first in my whole life at the beginning of nov. for almost 2 weeks I was sick sitting here with a wristbandsleeve not being able to move my shoulder/arm much. Tomorrow I will go back to work, which makes me nervous. Getting surgery is something not cool. Now I really appreciate being healthy.

Last but not least #gamerleaksDE on twitter:
A few days ago #GamerleaksDE was released by some anonymous group. This is not very new and all the things which have been said there are not really new. People gaming have been talking shitty since forever. It depends in which groups you are hanging around. I really wonder, why everyone is reacting now this shocked. My hypothesis is that people, who are not gaming online, nor gaming at all are reacting this shocked. Another thing is, that depending on the genre you play, the worse and more toxic it gets with offending each other or downplaying specific things. This is one of the reasons, why I stopped playing online around 2012-2013.

Another blogentry is in the making, It will follow based or related to this topic soon.

Random blog from Endjune

Juni 25, 2018

I don’t even know why I write this blog. Stuff changes quite fast. Today I want to write about something controversial: LGBT (some other letters most likely missing, but I am not in the scene, so I don’t know)

It is very interesting how this issue, never known before the early 2000s, which is not “causing” problems or supressing any sort of freedom in the western society or does not affect more than 5% of the society gets more attention to detail than far greater threats or issues.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not deem to downtalk this, but what I find mindboggling is the fact, that this was never an issue: gay people could walk around in big cities, lesbian are still being “downlooked” in villages. But it was the same way 20 years ago, when there was not much LGBT-activity in the politics. But what I find massively interesting is the fact, that even though it is less than 5% of the people in the society, which are affected by this, it become very big and is now more present than ever.

Let us compare it to something, which is not a minor problem: minorities in the US/Germany.

Why are black/latin people still looked down? Why are they still being seen as an issue? Why is there still raging or uprising racism?

I can talk more about racism in Germany: in this country, we have not accepted “foreigners” getting a german passport or being born in Germany as germans not long ago. Even though the rules and laws have been existing for a long time, german society is still a very conservative one. We are still questioning one persons ethnicity, we are still asking why a person has a weird name, or why this person is able to talk good german. We are wondering, when a person tells us he or she is from Germany, but from the looks, the person cant be from Germany. Absolutely not. We are asking the person for what kind of effectivity he or she brings to the society. This is how we roll in Germany.

Germany has been a melting pot in Germany since forever. There is no “one german”. Everyone in the middle of Europe has been influenced by Germans.

Whole of Scandinavia, the Germanics, Baltics, Finland, almost all former soviet countries and before, France, Belgium, Netherlands, Swiss, Austria, it goes all the way ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A .

If you look at the germans in berlin, they are called Prussians,

If you look at the germans near freiburg, they look more French. If you go to Bavaria, people northern parts of Germany are heavily influenced by Scandinavia again. In hamburg, you call “wichteln” a form of secret santa presents “julklapp”. It is the same word as in denmark or Sweden.

So you get the drill. 800years ago, when the crusaders fucked over the whole world, they brought back turks to the holy roman empire of german nations( the place before it was called Germany) which got those “Beutetürken” Christianised and germanised. There are many places in Bavaria/saxony, which have influences of the Osman empire or of turks from back then. Western Turkish people sometimes don’t look more different than Bavarian people (the eastern part of turkey is a different thing).

But we have now more then ever, again this kind of shittalk. Talk about separatism and about things which cant be defined like that. It fades away in the lines in between.

You have to make a point, you have to pinpoint things. If you don’t prove or show-off, you are being wrong. This is a huge problem in our time right now. This is a very US-centric way of dealing with things. But back to the topic: LBGT is now more vivid than ever, despite the fact that only ca. 5% are dealing with issues and gets solved when people move into cities. Does racism get solved when people move to cities? No. in fact just moving to cities does not solve anything. If you just live in a Turkish quarter or in a gay quarter of the city does not make the problem vanish into thin air. Super sad. Another thing which just grinds and spreads shit all over my face is the fact, that we are dealing with a very weird way of racism in Germany: everyone foreign is automatically a muslim or a person with “migrationshintergrund” which is just a stupid word for foreign looking person.

I don’t identify myself with any of that. And it feels shit to be always put into such categories. I always have to fend off myself. When I lived in hamburg, radical muslims tried to reach out for me, thinking I was a moderate muslim. On the other hand, people in general I have to do something to do with these sorts of things. And I do not. I don’t want to be put in such categories, nor do I want to deal with such stereotypes. It just pisses me off in a grand way. We have racism for around 400 years, and we are not able to solve such problems, while legalizing LGBT stuff seems a no brainer. I still see people complain about it being ostracized in public but guys come on: I don’t want to see people having sex in public. Whether its gay or fat hetero people, it is the fucking same: keep it private, it’s your thing, you don’t have to show off.

It is overboarding nationalism and stupid talk about globalism. If people tell me we have mass population in Germany, the best reason to tell them is: before 2nd world war Germany had around 80m inhabitants. We just reached those numbers again in the 2000s because of unification and immigrants. Now guess how many people got killed during ww2 as well as were driven off their home during that time. Have a look to Baltic countries or Sweden: massive portions of land where no one lives or moves away to live in super crowded cities where people start having trouble to pay their rent.

We have a masspopulation problem in Africa, china and india. Infrastructure does not keep up with the way of people multiplying there. That is the only problem we have there. There is enough space, but people are too dumb to use it.

A very good friend of mine told me, I am always the person, who stands up and is against reason x. I think in the last example, I showed you why. Because I dislike the fact, that people are spreading lies or fake news. Oh, and I also dislike stupidity and misinformation. If I am wrong, iam happy to get the right info.

 

Why does racism stay a openly addressed topic? Well, we have a shift since the end of obamas period: trump gave alt-right a stage to live to the fullest without fearing consequences. And I see more and more people claiming, white people cant be racist, because white people are a minority??? How and why can you say this bullshit? This is some borderline conspiracy stuff. There is no interest in eliminating any race, this is about not taking advantage of another ethnicity. If you happen to be one of the major leading industrial nations, well guess where all the wealth does come from. Why do still some countries try to cope with poverty? Because of embargoes and being ostracized from the global markets. This is part of the raging war economy as well as why mass migration is a thing. on top of that, there are some religious extremists trying to intervene with their stupid redneck/freshwater belief to enlighten the technological world with shit from yesteryear.

The latest shit which about racism, which boggled my mind was the fact, that Özil and durmaz, one german national soccerplayer and Swedish national soccerplayer got shit by fans during the world championship. Both persons are citizens from their respective countries, both do have origins from another countries, but still have to deal with the weirdest and most disgusting way of racism. This just makes me puke. Iam very ashamed of being a german to see people react to the özil-erdogan stuff this ugly. How can they? Yes, özil, this was very bad timing to meet up with Erdogan. You have done quite a lot of times in the past, this shouldn’t be news. Still got caught up and everyone is raging to “kick him back to the donkey country”. Iam so ashamed to read stuff like this, people from Germany claiming to know who is a true german and who is not. Super fucked up and the world championship does show it off in a new and massive way. The FIFA/world cup thing in general is just a really fucked up capitalistc machinery showing off how racist the world itself is: FIFA was shutting off half of the world for quite a long time, then allowing more and more countries into it, but had a lot of strict rules. The same was about handling ads during the WC. This year for the second time china was able to show off some company names the WEST has never heard of. A public outcry in the west was about to erupt because who the fuck are these companies and why are they sponsoring the WC??? When I read this, I was super irritated: the FIFA should always give it to those who are ethically correct and are the highest bidder. But for the first and second time, it is not just exclusively just WESTERN companies anymore who are those being shown off in those ads. OUTRAGOUS. Stupid as I would say. For me, it should me like this:

50% local companies, 30% companies from that region(the neighbor countries) and the other 20% should be global companies. This helps boost local economy as well as the bordering nations companies.

 

But, hey who cares about an equal competition, lets just rip apart poor countries and companies.

 

Last entry of my blog is dedicated to resetera.

This is actually something which made me sad.

I really like this forum for its news, but the culture of discussion has been weird on neoGAF before, resetera just made it worse(I thought they would be better). Just to revisit what happened on neoGAF last year in oct/nov.

Some allegations were made across to evilore, the owner of neoGAF. His mods were already bonkers about banning people with “other” opinions, just not being on the same terms was already enough to swing around hardcore with the ban hammer.

Evilore was also not ok with how some mods behaved so the mods betrayed him, resigned and let anarchy reign the boards for a few days.

The mods moved away from neoGAF, making it look like evilore and the user are at fault.

In fact, it was the mods, who abused their powers.

NEW-neoGAF was born from that, but most users posted porn/shitposted and moved to resetera for a fresh start.

 

All looked good, but within a month the same bans happened again. Protecting the board, resetera from everything which is not the mods’opionion. I quickly realized that, and thought they might changed over the next couple of month, since it’s the same mods as back then on GAF. I was wrong. It’s the same amount of stupidity again. If you do not have the same opinion as them, you are destined to get REKT. Once, I questioned, since there were some assumptions and allegations against an OW-player(he was 20), if he really harassed a 14-year-old as well as if there is proof for that…  so this is already ban-worthy and the mods told me I am welcoming pedophilia.

WTF

Asking for proof and if this really happened is already considered pedophilia or a confirmation that I am welcoming this? What the fuck? I would never dare to “welcome pedophilia”.

So this already boggled my mind and I got the feeling, that this forum does not even let you the slightest chance to check up facts or discuss within those segments.

Next was kotakus soulcalibur-6-article being shit asking why ivy still has big breasts and a disgusting outfit or why it feels like a blast from the past.

The article obviously had a feminist approach, which is ok, but I asked, why cant people just let games be games. Tomb raider/lara craft looked disgusting too in the 90s and they changed it. Soulcalibur has a broad selection of characters, if one character is obviously exaggerated, it is fine. It does not have a weird fucked up way of suppressing women, it is a fantasy game in a fantasy world, this women, ivy, is obviously a dominant character. If you do not like the character, there are plenty of other characters: a blind person, a person who looks like a henchmen, small cute blonde Viking girl (you could be offended by her too) and tons of characters from all times and eras.

But yeah, lets get down to ivy, making her look like the only objectified woman.

So the article asks why ivy still looks so like a  90s wet boys club dream. It is a good question and you can ask this question. Everything is fine, since the approach was not dooming one side or another. For me, soulcalibur is an ok series of games. It was never a wonky game like dead or alive with super fucked up breast physics.

Long story short, resetera complained about this being sexist and objectifying women. I said, there are plenty of characters, just because one character has huge tiddys and looks like a wet dream, does not make the game bad. It does not carry any ill intentions.

It did not just got grounded, I got perm-banned for this.

I am sorry, the gaming culture is just super fucked and I really do not want to be associated anymore with it. It just makes me sick, that everything I like or love does get carried into something I cant control. It just makes me super sad and cringes me up.

Child of Notomorrow

Juni 5, 2018

Life is always changing. Everyone is changing. There is no such thing as stagnancy. There is always movement involved. My life has stopped working properly ever since I got lost in korea. In that time during expo, my postponed exchange semester, something has changed, which also changed my course of life. Or let us put it together like that: since then, my life broke into several pieces.

On one hand, I stopped admiring younha. On the other hand, I realized everyone around me is evolving constantly. Money, status, wife, coming around, experience, getting a social environment…

I realized, that the older I get, the lesser I have and I’ll have. Forgiveness is love. But mindfulness is equally important for the people around you. I realized, I am not important, as other people are important for me. I am nothing. Why is something I suggest less worth/interesting than, let’s say another person suggests it? Why can everyone land a job and I can’t? Why is everyone getting in a relationship and I do not? Why do I have to be full of knowledge and can’t achieve anything, while the stupid non-knowledgables(well at least when I talk to them) are nailing to get a job? Why is someone more influential, while actually he or she has not said or done anything meaningful? These are stupid and great questions at the same time.

 

I am at point, where nothing makes sense or fun anymore. I don’t like videogames, research, exploration, adventure have become meaningless which once were. I don’t see the reason why I should stay alive nor why I should put another credit into this old busted arcade machine which is my life. The game never was fun. This has been consuming me for so long, it devours me and I can’t bear it anymore. I feel worthless and I dislike the fact, that no one can’t or does not want to help me. It costs me a lot of effort to actually go out and ask someone, but in the end, I get only shameful answers and I feel even more trashed than before. For such a long time I had a very noble thought: connections and money does not mean anything. If you concentrate on the right things, good stuff will happen to you.

Here I am. Broke. A social outcast. Jobless. No proper connection to get a job. I can’t even land a job as a waiter. So, this means, I can just leave this planet, there is not much to do for me anymore. I hate it to be here, powerless, Hobsen’s choice. I never intended to get at this low point. I never imagined getting at this point as someone who has studied. I would never call myself an expert or a pro, but iam not retarded nor stupid. I have never imagined, that I would feel like as a loser at this point. Never would I have dreamt, that I would sink this low. There is literally nothing, which keeps me here. I hate every single breath and second being alive. I simply can’t enjoy playing videogames, my joy and my pride, stripped away. Stranded in a life full of despair and hopelessness. If or when I play videogames I get scolded by my parents for being a loser. This pretty much nails it. As if I intend to live like this. So, they take away the only joy I ever had. The only joy, which I could always rely on. Now sort of gone. I can’t simply enjoy games anymore in such an environment full of terror. Being back then adventurous, fearless and interested in everything and anything, now I feel like a coward. Stranded in a village full of crippled mental retards. And I slowly become one myself. Death is inevitable and I hope to put an end on this at the end of this year. I never asked for much during my life. I never tried to be a snowflake or someone with artificially made up better justice, I only tried to be reasonable and not completely apathetic regarding life. Being as understandable as possible, progressive. Now I get the end result in what kind of life I got stuck.

Nothing. Everyone else just moved on. I got stuck. Somewhere lost in the ether.

And even though I try to free myself from this misery and eventually also try to seek out for help, there is no response. Now, with 31 years, I’ve had enough. I never intended to live such a life nor this long, and there is no improved outcome in sight to be looking forward to. Even in my worst dreams, I would have never come up with the thought that I would get stuck in this shithole situation.

 

I watched a few movies recently, but not one movie has caught my attention. The villainess was a great action movie with awesome cuts and effects, but story-wise it was shit(so basically a marvel movie).

Last weekend I watched “children of men”, probably the best movie I have watched so far this year, most likely the best movie of the year. It is about a dystopian future of London in 2027. Humanity is not able to reproduce themselves, immigration has become a problem and is linked to diseases which cant be tracked down anymore. GB tries to protect its citizens while also humiliates everyone who is not coming from GB and sending them back where they came from. Its nice to see that the immigrants came from all over the world: Germany, Africa, middle east, asia, meaning that it is already not bound. But what I really loved about this movie: no stupid love story, the story was fresh as fuck. I have never witnessed such a story. And the greatest part of the movie: the camera angles, the way the story is being told: most of the action is being dealt with in the background. There is so much going on and it tells so much about this dystopian future.

I would describe this movie as: half life 2, homefront, metal gear solid 5 and the last of us. And guess what: the movie was done in 2005/2006; except half-life2, the games took influences out of the movie. I was in awe watching this movie. So underrated and I never heard of this movie before, no one ever mentioned or recommended this movie to me. The movie tells its story in a never before seen way. I think I said at least 5 times during the movie WTF. This almost never happens in movies, only in some Korean movies in the last few years… children of men is by far one of the greatest western movies I have ever seen. Hands down to the great actors, to the guys who crafted this world, the person who was in charge for the camera and in the end the person who wrote the book which this movie is based upon. I had such a blast and this movie was unbelievable. I would love to watch similar movies, where the story goes deep, where experimental camera angles are used to transport the feelings, emotion and atmosphere of the movie.

Punishment and Sin

Mai 22, 2018

From somewhere in between in April: A few days ago, Trump literally jumped the shark: he left a tweet which was inevitable interpreted as: we will let Russia taste our rockets/weapons in Syria. The world was in awe. The US is literally asking for a war, instead of de-escalating it. Everyone telling that Russia/North Korea or Syria being a problem still has not understood a single bit what is going on right now. It is very sad, that the saviour of the last century has become the worst warmongerer. And even worse: They don’t even try to hide it anymore. While the US had a war, economy going on since the second world war (several agents trying to “bring” democracy to countries, but instead trying to upstir chaos or rattle up order in not-so-democratic-countries, to start or intervene into those countries, so the same formula minus the colonization, so what France and the UK were doing in the centuries before). The whole right-wing movement worldwide has become unsettling.

Even worse is the fact, when people try to deny what is going on and telling to “save ourselves”, “globalisation is a fad”, “Merkel tries to replace us”, “Islam is there to eradicate us”, should rethink what exactly is going on. There are problems, yes. We as the western world, we as the part of the world which was ALWAYS exploiting all other parts of the world. Now we should take responsibility. Yes, we are not able to help all of them. Yes, just by granting asylum the problems won’t be solved. Yes, with experiencing and questioning these people from those war- and economical-torn countries and yourself, the nation’s thought we are developing ourselves.

No, with war, we are not solving anything.

No with establishing bordercontrol, this will only cause more problems than solving them.

No, democracy is not for everyone. In fact, democracy is being tested these days more than ever. China is simply shitting into our “western” faces because they are showing how you can control their people, keep balances checked, expand economically as well as everyone is simply not complaining about “not having the human rights”. They have money. They have food, they have Chinese pride, and the most important reason: They are not constantly nagging about “back then, we did not have such problems”. Chinese feel that they are standing above others. This will cause in the future new problems, but we are being tested right now: How much democracy can you endure? Democracy is being made to live with a majority and a minority, even as a minority you have the right to participate and not being overruled. I have some friends telling me, that the police should hit black people harder, should control more “NAFRIs” or that #BLM is a shit movement. I am always in awe to hear such stuff, not to mention that they, even though they tell me they are not right wing-minded that this in fact is already taking sides of trump/alt-right/IB. There is always something bad going on about specific stuff. There is good stuff about specific movements and there is bad stuff. Right now, we are living in quite upchurning times. #BLM has become a radical movement, but their origin is truthful: being black means, that you are being profiled, you are more controlled by police, you are more in every case the culprit. One friend argued, they should have stayed in Africa. Lol. They never came freely to the US in the first place. Another friend had a quite unique view questioning radicals making the whole movement obsolete. This is a tough one because movements need a radical spot and a soft view. The value in the middle is what should survive. If we go back to Rosa Parks, who refused to stand up in the bus for a white person, this can be seen as the middle, but back in the time is was considered outrageous and radical. There were other black people demanding to separate from the US. And there were other black people beating up black people because they accepted being inferior beings to white people. So, what is wrong? What is right? What is radical? What is Ghandi-styled-demonstration? This should beadapted to every movement. It is a tough one to explain this to people who don’t understand anything about politics, nor history. They just tell me, Islamic people are all terrorists. There is also a fine line you need to draw: everyone is welcome as long as he/she is accepting our laws and our societal habits. I feel parents treating their children like some slaves (putting head scarfs on little girls) should be asked to the school and taught by the teacher, that we are not completely shutting off girls into such dresses/clothes. The same goes for parents not allowing their children to swim/to go off for a school trip and so on. This has nothing to do with money, this has something to do with respect and becoming part of the society and no “us vs. them”. Instead shutting their kids into the house and leave everyone else off to some fun place is a very retarded behaviour. I am also disappointed by schools letting parents do shit like this. Schools are the first step into life. The government should get more involved to get children into the society instead, they let retarded parents do, what they think through their ideology or their non-existent-knowledge of raising kids. I find it very sad to see retarded parents/people with backward-thoughts use democratic methods to get through with their archaic views in court. And this is what makes islam/people from those countries bad: hey try to adapt/get through with such behaviour from “those/their” countries in Germany. And this is a drawn line, where the government should intervene, when people try to desperately do something totally different to not just alienate themselves, but the majority. No one is excluding you. You are exluding yourself. And this should be prevented. And no, I don’t criticize only people from those countries. Within Germany, there are also parents, ethnic-germans who are not capable of raising their children. This rule should apply to them, too. Unfortunately, you cannot start a regime taking away kids from stupid parents to raise proper smart adults for the future. And don’t forget, that integration and growing together as well as becoming one society means, that everyone should be involved. This means, that people who are excluding others are also part of the problem:

-oh, you don’t wear branded clothes

-you have different skin tone

-you have  a different hair colour

-you don’t know/match us

-your spoken language/dialect is weird

 

These behaviours should be equally tackled as the mentioned above.

 

Its already April. I can’t believe it. Quite some time has passed. Till today I can’t believe, in what a delicate situation I am right now. How could this ever happen? Am I this retarded? How much have I fucked up? is it possible to compare this to something? To someone? am I wrong? Am I right? Are all skills, the ones I possess worthless? I really don’t know. I think of this on a daily base. I know quite a bunch of people, and yet, I am feeling that I lost touch, I lost focus, I am less worth than those, who don’t know as much as me. One of the few things that I realized, is that I indeed know quite a few things compared to a lot of people, but while most people around me manage to utilize this, I am not. I see less gifted people having jobs or having nice things around them (that includes people) than me. What is the thing, which I am doing wrong, which everyone gets right? I don’t know. Do I have a high standard? Am I asking for too much?

 

These are always thoughts which are haunting me.

 

In the last few weeks, I have met up with few friends to spend my time a bit different. It is really interesting, how life changes in a very weird direction. There is no right or wrong, there is no “way to go to grow up to be a decent adult”. Everyone has a different mindset or hopes how they want to turn up to become a very certain adult. I have quite some nerdy friends, who don’t think about this, or simply deny these kinds of thoughts. They have their reasons. Yet, I try to understand how this is right or understandable for me or how they are making up their mind. For me, for a very long time, it was that, becoming an adult means having money, having a family, having a house, having a car, etc. I despised this conservative way of living or thought. I still despise a lot, what my parents or relative used to think what a decent human being is. Because, what they think is so backwards, so conservative, so old, so not what is important in my way of thinking. I also realized, the people around me, or students, who I thought for a very long time, must be smart are also having very different expectations of the way of life. I don’t know more than the others, most seem to not know more than me, still I always have the feeling, that the others do know more than me as well as deciding better than me.

 

It is very nice to have thoughtful people around you, likeminded, smart, people who encourage you as well as help you out in bad times. But never forget the compound how you got together.

Lately, I met up with one of the nicest and most precious people recently. She is smart, thoughtful, yet so sensible. I like her a lot and she has become within a short time frame very important to me. She has become sort of a role model for me, and for the people I’d like to meet in the future. I admire here a lot. She set standards for something I never thought, that this might be important for me. She has also quite different life from me, she also struggles and she also does not know the answers for certain things, yet I feel so comfortable to listen to her, or get to know her thoughts. Even though we are almost the same age, we have such different lives, we have different people around us, we have different problems, we have different focuses. She told me how some of her friends are also struggling with their lives. Their struggle is so different from my struggles, or from the struggles I know from my friends (I assume, since most of my friends are all tough and buff dudebros who usually do not talk about such stuff, ‘murica, breh). She depicts heaven and hell at the same time for me.

 

It has become very interesting, now that we seem to be grown-up-adults, how we depict life. When people die, or people decide to marry or getting children and stuff like that. We all seem to have different values and different expectations of life. And some seem to open up during their life while others are closing in. it’s not predictable. It is also not typical, to behave like that. There is no such thing as, “becoming an adult 101”. A few weeks ago, I read an article, why a couple has decided to not become parents and instead to enjoy their life to the fullest. This really opened up my eyes. At one point it made me sort of sad to be like that, on the other hand, I can sort of understand, why they have decided to be like that.

The guy, who wrote the article argued, that his parents were struggling to feed the children, they were busy with children and had to compromise with their own lives. They could not use their free time with hobbies they liked, they could not spend their extra cash on fun things, instead they always put their children as their priority no.1. this was the first time, I realized, that it can be totally different too. I never had this kind of perspective before. We as humans never had, until now, the late 20th century or the beginning of the 21st century such chance to say:

“fuck reproduction, I am enjoying the hell out of my life”. We never had so much freedom or possibilities to do what we want (from a western perspective of course).

We are now in times, where we are wealthy enough to leave such primitive thoughts to people from poorer parts of the world. We are still animals, with instincts. We have a survival drive, as well as a reproduction drive. But we have achieved freedom, and the will and choice to NOT reproduce ourselves. It is not anymore, the survival of the fittest. We can choose freely, to end the bloodline, if wanted. Shouldn’t that be great? We can enjoy everything without worrying about offspring or our country, because other people are reproducing themselves plenty of times. But then again, I see so many retarded people doing that. People who are weird, people, who are not smart, people who are not beautiful. Why is that? Why is this making me think about them? Is it me, who is not able to reproduce myself in the way I want part of not suitable for survival? Is it because I don’t even get the chance to choose? Or is it because I cannot live the life to the fullest as others are doing it? This is a hefty question which no one is able to answer. I really don’t know. I need to take care of other things before I can think of something like that. On the other hand, people with less smarter thoughts are just doing it. Darwinism at its finest. It is tough as nails, for me to think about it. I would love to concentrate all my power, all my thoughts, all my free time for videogames and things which are making me happy, or which are fun. Instead, I continuously worry about shit like this. I really dislike this. Why is this devouring me this much?

 

Blog about May:

 

Actually, most of this blabla-blogpost was already written mid-April and posted at end of April. I really don’t know why I did not release it on my blog already. There was some sort of mistake. In the past few weeks, I had some problems(why do I even write this, it is just as common, there are such things as problems, my whole life is an error), this whole process of applying and talking to companies, my non-existent-appreciative-friends and surroundings, my weird and fucked-up parents, everything is just a hindrance. I don’t know if this is some sort of hidden message to me from who ever created this whole world, or if I am actively messing up my life myself. It takes so much energy to just stay alive. To try to get shit done. To always withstand shit-talks by my parents and by non-visionary-people around me. Some people are bound not to thrive. I see all these apathetic people around me; as for myself, I want to change. I want to create, do, make shit. But I don’t get the chance. How do I create the chance? Where is the opening? How can I get the entrance to that? This is what makes it very tough for me. During a brief time, I really thought I was able to convince a specific certain special person that I am capable. But I was wrong. Was she wrong? I don’t know. It was and still is painful to realize that I got myself burned. I tried everything but I could but I was nothing more than a shadow. A brief moment in history, a breath of the unknown, amidst the incognito of time. This is how confused I feel left behind. After my highschool degree, I felt smart. I felt I could conquer the world. After the bachelor, my first wave of disappointment set in. I thought I could reproduce the time. I could travel in time to undo my mistakes. The master of time. I did start a master in malmö, only to realize that this becomes an even bigger mistake afterwards. Not just the disappointment of how people outside your (East Asian Studies-) bubble are treating you,  but it is… and it was… well my own realization that time has been up for me. Coming back, not being able to pick up or to change my plans to fulfill or go another path. I feel eternally lost and stuck in a pit. I really don’t know why this has become like this. Why others do have a more carefree way of life. Or is it me making things harder? Or is it just that most people are not as thoughtful as I thought? I really don’t know. For the most part of my life, my credo was: It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied. It is better to be a dissatisfied Aristoteles than a satisfied fool. And if the fool, or the pig, are of a different opinion, it is because the fool and the pig only know their own side of the question. Someone else knows everything else or does know the other side of the coin. These phrases from John Stuart Mill and… whoever wrote this shit first, knew their drill. I need to stop wasting my time with so many things and need to focus. Need to focus on things. I don’t have much focus or time left. Moreover, I’d say, I don’t want to have any more time. It is already a constraint to behave like I have all the time in the world. It is already up for me, I really don’t know what I am doing any more on this planet. While being around and surrounded by people, I feel like the loneliest stranger on earth. People and characters, I despised now become rather a contradictiory character I sort of admire for their less complicated life. There needs to be done something.

Hikikomori

März 3, 2018


almost 15 years ago i came across a very – back then – recent phenomena: hikikomoris(引き籠り).
Wikipedia says the following: Hikikomori, meaning „pulling inward, being confined“, i.e., „acute social withdrawal“) are reclusive adolescents or adults who withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement. Hikikomori refers to both the phenomenon in general and the recluses themselves. Hikikomori have been described as loners or „modern-day hermits“. Estimates reveal that nearly half a million Japanese youth have become social recluses.

As a teenager I sucked up every information about Japan, every small tidbit about society, gaming, manga and culture. while this being a very serious and sad topic there was so much fascination about this topic for me. I read about this, thinking this must be the next level of being a nerd, a geek, an otaku, I was also aware that this is a social topic and a very heavy one, almost unsolvable. there was even an anime about this: „welcome to the N.H.K“, about one person’s life drifting apart completely from society.
I had a good laugh thinking this is only something which can only in japan.

I WAS WRONG.

When world of Warcraft was released in the west in 2004, there were the first signs and evidences, that people became really obsessed and addicted to online-gaming. This was already a phenomenon back in the 90s in japan and korea. We in the west were ridiculing those facts and it took us quite some time to take this matter serious. I would say, japan and korea, even though they are not a blue print of western society of the future 10 years ahead, they can be seen as forerunners, what problems will occur to us in roundabout 10 years. I read an article in 2013, why japan stopped having sex. This was one of the best researched and most mindblowing articles I have ever read. We in the west started going into that direction in the last 12-24 months. And so is the phenomena about hikikomori, which is now here in the west without anyone actually knowing. Of course it’s not as a heavy hitter in japan, but the symptoms are there. But back to the original topic before I run riot:
Now after some months, I would say, this has happened to me. Passively. I really don’t know how this happened but I am in the middle of this mess. And before I realized it, some of my friends or the people closest around me are almost the same, in some way or another. Social exclusion, self-made-isolation, loners and reclusive behaviour. If everyone, who is in this situation, feels comfortable or not, I don’t know. If they have chosen that by themselves or through things which happened in their lives? I don’t know and I can’t to judge. The only thing I see is, that we have become what can be seen as such. While I have some friends and acquaintances‘ who achieved what can be called a perfect satisfied life – job, wife, kids, healthy regular income – there are others, who are in the ether of the vicious toxic, single life, hopping on and off from affairs and hook-ups, and others completely lost control over society being complete shut-ins on the inside, but outside they are working like a cog in the system, I guess. but back to me: while I was having a good laugh back then, I got back into reality in the year 2018, landing no job, feeling completely cut off from reality and society. I feel almost no connection anymore to the outside world. It feels very off these days. I never knew joblessness can make you go mental. Having moved back into the basement of my parents‘ house is literally the worst what could ever happen. These people are very ill people, I don’t like them. I realize what kind of environment I grew up. I realized, when I moved out back then after high school, what amazing fresh breath of the wild of this new freedom it was. Having no one commenting on your things, good or bad. Now, years later, with more experience and more knowledge, you realize, how bad these people are. Pushing you down, putting you away, calling you loser… how can these people become parents? In fact, I really hope, I will not have any contact in the future, once I completely move out, once I have the money for independence, once I have received my freedom. Becoming an adult shows now its signs: you become an adult, once you are completely independent, no one telling you what to do or pre-judging you, if you have mastered to live with no ties to someone controlling your spirit and will. I was doing so during my studies and now I lost this freedom, when I studied too long and not having enough money continue anymore.
Losing confidence, losing your way to live and your way of handling things… especially if you are gifted, this is what can cripple you in life. I am at this point. Lowering standards, losing things, which were self-evident… unbelievable to get so low in life. I try to move to köln, berlin, münchen, hamburg, those are the cities to go. I really wish, and I really hope, it will work out this year. I can live independently where I go, but on the same time, within masses of people I can feel very detached and lonely at times. Sometimes, I feel very happy being around a lot of people with knowledge, sometimes I feel happy alone around videogames in my basement. These days, I am neither of those. I seek for reasons and answers and I find neither of those. I don’t know why I am unhappy in my basement. I don’t know why I feel unhappy, when I am around people. Everything feels disconnected, flowing with no sense of direction. I don’t want to end up being a hikikomori.
Everyone has their own reason of being alone and not being alone.

But you should not be forced due reasons into loneliness. I feel this is why a lot of people are unhappy. On the other hand, there are also a lot of people unhappy in relationships. But how many are unhappy in a relationship and how many are unhappy single individuals? Recent studies said, I think it was 2015, that there are now more single households than family households or at least people living together. Are we becoming an individual society? But what does that mean? Are we truly happy? Or are we pretending to be independent, achieving freedom but with giving up happiness through friends and your significant other? This is one of the questions, I came up some time ago, but I was never able to find any studies relating this, this is a very recent phenomenon, it has mostly just grasped wealthy western societies. Humanity was for a very long time busy working for food, surviving and keeping shit intact. Now we are on the verge of having everything automatized. We don’t need family, we can rely on the state(well in socially advanced countries, unlike the US which is retarded). But does that mean, that all of that is good? Will this work out for humanity? We are in the end still animals, men are hunters, women are gatherers. We reproduce ourselves, there is shit ingrained into our genes, which we can override through behaviour and our will, but this will take generations until our genes will overtake these behaviours, according to Darwin, IF the wrongful behaviour dies out. We don’t know yet. I for myself have found out, that I can’t live alone. I don’t want to live alone. I am a person who is cheerful around some people, not too many people, and I easily and quickly feel lonely, I need constant input, whether its knowledge, or the social interaction I can thrive from or make people around me thrive. I don’t want to be a hikikomori, but I have become one and want to break loose of this structural misbehaviour. i think, only a small minority really decides for themselves to become one, no one actually truly seeks out for such a live. You can hang out in your basement for 1-2months jerking off to hentai, playing videogames and not take a show for weeks, living off bread crumbs, but living like this for months? For years? No. never. I am too smart for this shit. I am capable of so much more. I don’t want to waste my life like that.

February

Februar 6, 2018

It’s been a while.

How are you retards doing?

2018 did not start well, and it still keeps fucking around with me. The only good thing so far in this year was getting a present from one of my best friends around, he gifted me Monster Hunter World, a game I was remotely interested in, but could not afford it due money constraints. We actually even organized a little old-fashioned-sleepover-party at his house, setting up several TVs, brought over our consoles, plugged everything together to get started. We almost played for 10h straight. Reminiscening the good old times, haha. Monster Hunter World is finally the step into the HD-console world, the game franchise always needed. It still looks sort of unfinished, the game runs sub 30fps, has dozens of loading times, not the neatest graphics… but this is monster hunter and Capcom finally did the overhaul-treatment it always needed. Monster hunter 4 ultimate finally got me, after I played monster hunter 1demo back in 2005. It SUCKED. I never gave this game a second try until one friend brought 4 copies over to gamescom 2009. There, all 4 of us got hooked. We played a few times only to be forgotten again: Capcom fucked the European market since the psp was a disaster and mh3 was released on wii… and none of my friends were interested in buying the game on such a system. Anyways, mh4u got me hooked again, mh generations disappointed me, and welp, mh world finally did it. So many good improvements. One big map, proper online play, you can stay on a map for longer than your mission, you can run and collect stuff, the map is bigger, there are no loading times in between, there are nice tids and bits which are helping you now to progress faster, but on the other hand, there is so much more content now and the most important improvement: it got proper controls now. Iam still playing it here and there for a few missions with my dudebros, the first initial session was very nice. I wonder how many more months we will play this game.

Next topic: family. I never cared about this topic, and it sucks for me. I don’t like my family, and I never had any intentions to found one. Maybe there was a fantasy about it, but it was more of a fetish with me in younha but except being a dream and being super anime-y I never gave it a proper real thought about it.
Now I am 30 years old.
This number is not magical at all.
This number is standing for despair and hopelessness.

You are officially old, this is what it screams at you. If you have not achieved anything by now, you are doomed for all eternity. I really mean it. I start to think very different about my life. Life starts to become very fast. You wake up, and within a blink of an eye it is already late in the evening, dark outside and you wonder what happened to the day? Anyways, back to the topic: When I was 20, I thought I could conquer the world, everything was free and open and I could do whatever I want. There were no limits, no barriers, no responsibilities, at least almost none. I was despising all people thinking about family, staying in their hometown, withering away their youth in this shithole called Heilbronn. There was nothing worse than just staying here. Some of my classmates already had family plans with their boy/girlfriend after finishing school. That took the biscuit for me. I could not comprehend, why people who are open and bright, smart and who were equally gifted would like to stay in their hometown with those boundaries. I didn’t want to get it. The same goes to… well specific jobs. Back then, I thought studying to become a teacher is very narrowminded and village-styled-mentality because you would not be able to travel and move freely. Oh boy, what a fool I was. This whole family and age thing has certainly taken turns for me. Back this thought really disgusted me, because a family meant that you are not free anymore. My family made me unfree. At every time. They never took me to the next level, it was more like caging the demon into the lowest available basement next the devil. At least that’s how I felt at times.
I start to think different for quite some time. I have concluded, that the people, who have achieved marrying and getting settled are far more satisfied with life. They are not mentally retarded like me. They have achieved something and they don’t have to fear about tomorrow. Of course, they gave up on parties and doing borderline stuff, but on the other hand, they have achieved happiness. At least this is how I see it now. I know, that there are certainly people who have it worse than me, with their divorce in such a young age, or already a single mom. But I really wonder, why I have never had this kind of chance. I really would love to live this kind of life, where I don’t have to pursue something which is not existing. I would love to settle, have a loyal and smart waifu, kids and my home. My family, period.
Instead, I fell for the biggest lie in the last decade: being free with your studies and you can do what you want. I am now a broken person, I had to retract. This is painful and admitting defeat sucks, always. I think, if I would have met myself ten years ago, I would have not realized that this is me. Ten years ago, I would have never ever said that or even backed down with my lifestyle. Now I feel different.
I think studying to become a teacher was a wise choice.
Having a family is wonderful.
Settling somewhere is a nice idea.
What have I become?
I really don’t know. I met dozens of people during my studies, I had dozens of opportunities, instead I have the feeling, that I always did the wrong shit. I really don’t know. I have travelled so much to gain wisdom, knowledge, experience. I saw my life as a videogame that I will eventually gain something from all those adventures I threw myself at. Instead I only saw disheartenment and sorrow. I very much lost on the way something very important, and I don’t know how to retrieve it again. Life broke my will. Some might say, life is unfair at times. I feel life tenderly crushes me in a step by step way. What have I done to receive all these monkey faeces in my face? I really don’t know why, but I really see some sort of salvation in my chaotic life if I would have my own family with another person and kids and not be affiliated with my parents anymore. These two are very evil people and they do not know how bad they are. They are mentally ill people, they are unfair and impossible people beyond repair. Which brings me to the next point: I also believe that with all those life staking problems, you can’t unfold yourself. My very life, since kindergarten I always had this inner fire, this burning passion being interested in many things. My parents did not know how to control this, so the only possible solution was to silence me or put me in a room and tell me to shut up. I was never exposed to any awesome stuff, nor was I taught anything by my parents when I was little. Yes, we were poor, and my parents were never interested in these kind of things, but… I realize how many effects that had… only in the last 5 years. I realize how people around me talk in high regards about their parents. How they are very grateful, that their parents taught them this, or that… or what great times they have spent together or how funny, awkward or nice their parents are. If I remember back… all I can see is my parents limiting me, giving me detention or down talking my efforts. I don’t see any reason to talk in any regard, in any positive favour about my parents. Well yes, I can say, glad that I didn’t get raped by them, or yeah, I had enough food on the table or I had a roof above my head… I don’t know, I feel very disenchanted.
Last topic I want to write about today is racism. Yes, again this topic. But I want to combine it a little, since there is so much going on in this fast-paced world of ours. A few days ago, someone on resetera complained being called a cuck. Nothing new, right? But, this person felt very frustrated and disappointed about this insult. Some users told that person to move on, but this person, let’s call that person X, got carried away by that. I think it was also talked on discord where one person said, that this is the same about being called the n-word. While some went bonkers in discord over that, racism is really ingrained very hardcore into our culture where people even don’t realize it anymore. The word racism has turned into a… word similar being called Nazi. It has been used inflationary, people got tired of it so they have forgotten about the meaning of it. Racism exists in both ways, not just being used on minorities but being used in a derogatory way to insult someone based on pointless stereotypes. I have one friend sitting in HR in a company, she told me, they are not hiring Indian looking people, because they are anti-social, they do not participate in group activities, and the only good thing they can do is programming. She assumed, based on that, that therefore most companies do not hire me. I can’t even program. But this is called racism. They relate things too far away with me. And this is being done in so many ways. This not just an easy rule of three. There is so much more depths behind that. Another one is very hard, which I read a few days ago (if you can read German *click*)
Being blatantly racist is one thing, but protesting silently takes also a lot of effort and endurance. If you check the comments, it gets more retarded: people tell, that Germans mentioned in the article were just polite and it is an insult to call those fine gentlemen racist. This is very rude, and I feel very uncomfortable to see that people can think in those kinds of barriers. Unbelievable and jaw-dropping how simple minded people are, but this somehow shows a specific part of Germany. And ZEIT is being read by the smarter audience in Germany. This shows us a clear deterioration of our standards in Germany. Somehow there is so much missing and people are not living the same lives in Germany. There seems to be more parallel societies than I thought. Why I came across this topic was because i watched the documentary about Nate King Cole, a musician who was very talented and gifted. Frank Sinatra praised him and helped this humble person, but no one knows Nat King Cole. Its not about „oh bring this black/minority person“ into the stagelight, its more how many obstacles this gifted person had to overcome and yet, he has been forgotten by most of the people. Just thinking about how much this person had to endure, until he was considered „one of us“ is already enough to see that we havent achieved equality. i dont want segragation or „revenge“ or anything, i just want to see people not mention certain traits as if it would mean an illness or something abnormal. what we consider right now retarded might be remembered in the future as the biggest struggle. well at least this is how you can see the fight the minorities and especially blacks have achieved from the past. while i am not a fan or supporter of black live matters(because they use violence and there are certain directions who are favouring the superiority of the black race) there will be some less weird and good outcome in the future, wether the whole neglecting of the whole thing happening or being praised and helped shape the future how people of something unnoteworthy as skin colour are being treated.

One last thing I want to mention…
The same friend who gifted me monster hunter world, wrote me a few days ago, how bad resetera has become. Well, I sort of thought this already at the deathbed of NeoGAF that this would happen… resetera consists of the same bad people, so what the fuck, whoever destroys proper discussion culture should not be welcomed. Our right and left directions have shifted quite hard in the last 3 years, it has become a fierce battle. Race has become important again, but it is NOT just the fault of trump, but the discussion culture going bonkers. I think democracy has started to halt, a system ruled by AI means the death of minorities, since it is being programmed by whites and ingrained with white culture only. And I don’t mean white culture as in US/EU only, but the Chinese feeling “white” too and who are even worse that the americans when it comes to racism. This will start a new era of racism, if you’d ask me. How AIs are right now can be seen by the experiments done by twitter and Microsoft: within a day the AI driven chatbot turned out to be a flatout racist being. This shows clearly, that the human being, whether it is black, yellow or white is just stupid and racist.

2018

Januar 5, 2018

It’s been a while. Iam not sure, why this downward spiral is keep continuing. I don’t know why iam alive. I don’t know what my purpose and my existence is. Why am I still alive? Why is it so hard to live?
The whole fuckup-ery of my master is still shivering my bones. It’s not just that. I thought, I would be able to pick up a job quickly, I mean I have quite a lot of experience when it comes to work, I have worked in so many different fields… only to realize, that my whole person, my whole existence is being denied. Not just the master, even trying to apply for jobs, for traineeships… nothing. Not one. I have applied for the past 6 months for more than 100 jobs, only to get denied. As if this is the only thing… I don’t have any bigger social contacts since I left the master’s course. I go out only once a week out of the house. I feel becoming retarded, just staying at home, reading all day, figuring out, what happened, how I got into this situation, why my family consists of retarded people, and how I can get out of this toxic environment.
I could have witnessed a few nice days in December, instead I got myself into trouble. I went on vacation to help my father selling off some property, only to realize, that this shithole of a country my parents came from, discriminate foreign buyers. Well fuck it, I thought, I might just enjoy my trip in that country and went off. Instead this whole trip became sort of troubled and riddled with problems and uncomfortable surprises. Since I was used to get myself out of a tight spot, I did my best to do so. Unfortunately, my father still tried to put buckets full of shit onto me. Escaping from it, was just becoming tired and retarded. Eventually I gave in. in the end, this whole trip just was a slag. Getting back to Germany during Christmas, I never was happier to get back to Germany, I couldn’t believe it. I was looking forward to new years eve, since a few friends organised videogaming, a nice and cozy sleepover for a couple of days with nothing to worry about. It would have been great, until I helped out a friend in Freiburg who was moving into a new apartment. We had some talking and I just realized, that except me almost everyone on that “sleep-over/cosy/comfy”-weekend was in a relationship. My synapses melted. I sort of have some a problem seeing couples or people cuddling in public. Generally speaking, it just cramps me up very fast. I feel uncomfortable. In general it just pisses me off infinitely. It has no bigger reason. It is just, that iam not part of it, as much as I have tried it. This completely made me full retard. I went autist-mode and hid in my basement, being the fucking faggot, I always have been. This was my NYE17/18. Getting almost on a daily basis letters of refusals is nothing you can be proud of nor something you can work on. I simply would love to sell off my body and crush my souls, so maybe the grim reaper might have some fun poking my soul-crumbs into the river styx. I never knew, that my life is this worthless. Would have I known this, I would have never come to life. I fucking disgust and hate my life. Nothing ever worked out:

No girlfriend
No money
No job
No knowledge
No fun
Nothing.
Why am I living? What for? Everyone around me does not understand me. There is no one out there to help me. I cant help myself. I don’t even know where to start. As much as I have tried out so far, there is literally nothing which worked out. I get ridiculed by the people, I try to open up and seek for help. This ensures me even more, that my person, my character, every little tid and bit of myself is not wanted on this planet. My whole existence is wrong. For a very long time, I tried to have standards:
Younha as the woman I want to seek out for, scientific knowledge I want to acquire, having some sort of standard set of codes you want to live, videogames as the best hobby in the world, Japanese stuff as a unique point I am interested in on this planet, not being a capitalistic dickhead…
I realize that everything I have lived so far for,… was plain wrong.
The society and this planet selects people who are good/needed and who are not. The outer powers of destiny have chosen to get rid of me, in whatever way possible. I have endured this shit for 30 years and now I am very tired and I cant bear this whole shit anymore. I am really unsure, why I haven’t pulled the plug yet. Its fear. There needs to be an easier method. I am not sure, why so many out there have achieved so many greater things than me, and I am not able to keep up. Not just for the pure purpose of competition but iam even failing to fulfil my own goals. I simply hate myself for the fact, that everything goes wrong and I cant rely on anyone. Iam not a person to ask for help from anyone, but I see plenty of people getting so much more shit done with the help of others. Those people are getting praised for something which they haven’t done by themselves. Of course I am always searching and questioning myself=how did I end up with this, what kind of mistake I made, or how can I improve the situation. the result stays the same. As hikaru utada says: keep trying.

I am fatigued by trial and error. In my case, just errors. Zelda II= I am error.

there is one part i want to write about… a person i started to care about, but i cant. i am confused. this person… does not help me to find out the truth or to distinguish reality from the illusion.
but there is so much more… but i cant… write…because i dont know.

i dont even know what this blogpost should be about… its just some random rambling.
gn8.

Winterblues

November 16, 2017

Today I’ll write about winterdepressions.

It starts with romanticising it with words such as winterblues. Usually winterdepression starts in November and ends around February. Some people do not realize that this is actually a thing, but it has been recognized by the international standard mental diseases classification board as such. While some people, due their bright mood, their genes or their social environment will not be affected, there are people who easily change their mood unintentionally. It is very hard to narrow down why certain people get easily affected while others do not have a problem at all with that. Why do I even start with this? Well I seem not to get out of my hole of infinite bad situations. It seems to follow and swallow me. There is this thing about my master degree which keeps me scourged. I am not capable of recovering from this setback. Then there is this social sphere of fishing around in the mist of unknown territory. I constantly am wondering, why some friends are behaving in ways I am not able to understand nor do they seem to understand my situation. I also am not able to make them understand that I do care. I am not even sure if this is even necessary, since friends should watch out and care for each other, or maybe it is just my anime way of understanding how friendship is working. I don’t know. There are a few people these days, who seem to not care… or not anymore. I am not sure if this is part of becoming an adult or if I am just being in a shitty situation or if this is just the way of life. There was one great mind I met during my studies who had his quirks of being always some weirdo or someone who does not want to reveal too many information about himself. He left in the mist of “I don’t want to be part of the internetz”. Part of the problem was of course me, I showed him 4chan and he became addicted to /pol/. In the last few years before he stopped hanging out with me anymore he started to tell me red-pilled he has become. He is/was indeed the smartest person I have ever known, but boy did he become arrogant. This happened a few years back but I am still confused to not know why this all happened. The same goes for the whole situation at university while I did hang out with tons of people, and a lot of people “liked” me, I did not have the feeling that they really do like me, instead they were just leeching off the things I was creating or organising. In the end, I was right, most people didn’t even care when I stopped doing all these things. This makes me sad. And lately there have been some real good friends I know for more than 10 years who have become sort of silent or… well not respond in the way I used to. One friend and me we had those talks and he said, becoming an adult is becoming autarkic. In this day and age, where everyone is having a lot of relationships, friends, acquaintances,… people around you, I cannot wrap my head around this. Why should you become autarkic? He is now hanging out more with his girlfriend and his closer relatives than with his bunch of friends in this case. He also said, not being capable of caring anymore for people who are dragging him down. He does not have the energy to keep up with his job and his already tiring girlfriend. When his relatives are taking up too much energy, and then,… his friends, he is near a mental breakdown which is why he said, he wants to distance himself from all these tiring influences. it made me realize, that I do not know what I am pursuing. I don’t know what my goals are. For a very long time, my goal was to have younha by my side and a very good social environment. I do not care about money or material prosperity. My problem is, that my relatives and a few acquaintances of mine do care about these things a lot: a house, a car, a good job. If you don’t have this, you are trash. A loser. Not something worth of. If you hear these things many times, it makes you crumble. If you hear this all the time, it will make you mentally break apart. If you do not have any other influences, this cripples you for the rest of your life. And I think this is where I am. I am surrounded by mentally deranged narrow-minded people.
My parents are such people. I really sometimes wonder, why these people were allowed to have kids. Telling your kids constantly something like this is not healthy at all, nor does this have a sustainable effect on them. My parents are very bad people, I can’t believe how I was able to survive their horseshit. This place where I grew up was never home nor do I know how to create a place where you can belong and feel comfortable. I constantly get the feeling of not belonging anywhere. And I feel incapable of changing this. To this day my parents are still behaving like this. Telling that you are worthless. Making you uncomfortable at that one place that you should be calling… home. A friend of mine from Sweden once told me, that she never knew what a family was. She was passed around from one family to another. She said, there is no such thing as family what she ever will be able to create. That was one of the saddest things I have ever heard from a very cheerful person last year. It made me gloomy for a couple of days and made me rethink the way of life. There was always something rebellious in me to say that I want to live another life than that of my parents, but I have realized in the last five years that the way of my life needs to change fundamentally to change the whole situation. I really would love to live in a world, where communication does its job. I know that communication can lead to so many mistakes, but I have the feeling that I am not able to communicate well. I always have the feeling that something is off or misunderstandings are in the air and happen easily which are irreversible. I would love to not worry about being deceived or someone getting upset with no reason. I don’t want to live in a world of uncertainty. But it seems that this is the reality which shapes my future. Getting accustomed to compromises is one thing, but living an unhappy life is another thing. Right now, I try to pursue a job so I can live independently as well as trying to fix the master degree situation. back then everything which was related to a mainstream goal such as a house, or a civil servant was something I despised. Now, I have a different opinion about that. The security, the benefits you can draw are simply amazing and just great. I would love to have that one person who likes me or more unconditionally and where I don’t have to worry about nothing any more. But the reality is just crushing when it comes to the career, the few dreams I have with constant negativity around me. This negativity numbs you and brings you eventually down. I am at a breaking point, where I am sort of giving up my enterprise-ideas due personal environmental reasons. And this is so much more than just winterblues, which I would love to ban for all eternity because it draws your energy and does no good in the end.

So, what does this blog in the end say? Well I don’t know, maybe it is just a mood, a dark page in the life of MoK, or it could resemble maybe something more vivid, something which is in all of us.

Iphone X vs. Kinect

November 9, 2017

Hey there,

This is a little late, but better late than never, as a german saying is being said.

Today I want to write about the iphone x. I know, everyone is talking about it, and most of you cant hear or read about it anymore or are already owning one.
I don’t want to talk about the price but about the fact, that the iphone x has a Kinect-like camera. Yes, you are right, the technology behind the iphone x is a little bit similar as the one from Kinect. It is able to make a 3d-picture of your body/face and is able to recognize you with this. While Kinect was the reason people got shun off and eventually did not buy the system due to the fact that “you can be spied upon” or “it is recording too much personal information without my consent”, well I would say fuck you. The same people who say, that people are filming you on your laptop are willing to throw away their security with smartphones. The possibility always exists as long as a device is there to get hacked. Smartphone, tablet, laptop or macbook, someone who wants to record your shit, will eventually find a way to do so. The Kinect like iphone x cam is nothing different here. Now it is able to film and recognize the person who is holding the cam. We already gave up our thumb which is now being used as the unlock-feature of a smartphone. While I always am keen to welcome new technology, I find it embarrassing to see technology failing at one point but being embraced at another point. I loved the idea of Kinect for games (even though most times devs were not able to transmit a cool experience for the customers except child of eden). Kinect has been called off. It is dead. Ms actively killed it to have the xbox staying alive. Instead the Kinect technology was being used to navigate tvs or now being the standard way to unlock iphones.

It is interesting to note, that Samsung already had 2011 a patent going on to unlock your phone with your eyes or with your face which they never used until the galaxy s8. They only did built it in because they heard the rumours of the iphone x being a a phone which will be using this kind of technology. Instead of actively pursuing it, they fucked it up, AS ALWAYS. I do not feel sorry for Samsung, while I feel sorry for Microsoft not having the possibility to use the great technology the way they intended. I really hope one day this technology can be used in way way or another for VR/AR/MR. since it is very similar in that regard and would be great for such things.

Harvey Weinstein and the end of NeoGAF

Oktober 24, 2017

Kept ya waiting, huh?

I have some topics on my paper, so yeah let’s see how far I come.

The latest topic is about Harvey Weinstein. Before I start this argument, I want to say, I condemn all kinds of sexual harassment and I do not condone any, I give zero fucks about the gender, because sexual harassment is sexual harassment and is existing in all colours and forms.

Harvey is a very influential, if not the most influential producer with the best network in Hollywood. He is involved in a number of sexual harassment accusations. The problem itself is nothing new: a guy behaves in a sexual way in front of women to show that he is attracted by them. The problem is here, that it is Weinstein, he can outlaw everyone and everything thanks to his connections and his power as well as money. The women, who are now starting to accuse him were using his power or money to become famous back then. They were nothing, they were in dire need, they were abused, or he used them, and they were using him, all of these backgrounds should be considered. I don’t want to say anything wrong, I only want to say, that the women, who are now starting to accuse him, are equally and morally wrong as him= If(!!!) the girls were just tacitly accepting it. For this price, they became famous, they got the role, they got… whatever and now they sort of try to use that spark initiated (which was only a matter of time) to have their revenge. I feel very angry at all those women, who are now fighting united against someone who helped or kickstarted most of their carriers. Those girls/women had the possibility to say no or decline the offer to have any sexual relations or involvement with this guy. Instead, they “let it be” done by him and now years after all those happenings as well as after they carriers are now where they are, they “betray” themselves as well as him. As I said, I do not condone sexual harassment, but this shows what is wrong in our society. Women as well as men are taking advantage if there is any slight chance of. This guy might be a piece of fuck, but he was offering a specific role/offer to a specific person with a little extra. The women ALWAYS had the chance to DECLINE. They just didn’t. I am NOT sorry, I do not feel any pity for those individuals. To dig into this problem, we have to go deeper into society, into what a man and a women is and how they were interacting for a very long time. Until recently, women were always treated as dumb and “worth” nothing without a man. On one hand, women never felt bad about their role, on the other hand, the ones who took the opportunity, were treated as tomboys or were seen as “not-ladylike”. Men didn’t see a problem in that, women also didn’t see a problem, since they were taken care of.

 

  1. The guy, who protects his woman who has his sexual instincts, strong, muscles, you get the gist.
  2. A girl, shy, frail, who is awaking the instincts in a guy with her looks. Damsel in mistress is what was the ideal girl or princess were.

No one opposed this for a long time. After the guy “gets” the girl, he is free to do what ever he wants with the girl. The girls only purpose is keeping goodlooking and well maybe doing the housework.

 

Now we have a more liberal society than ever before, women are not just having the role of a side-bitch, they can be the heroine too, which is a good sign and I strongly encourage this. As for one, as a guy, I am being talked out of the fact, that I prefer women who are smart, same height and the same age as me, someone equal. People criticize me for the fact of my preference in women. Even women tell me, that a guy needs to be the smarter one. They tell me, women prefer someone taller, someone stronger, someone with more money and more influence than themselves. I feel disgusted by that fact, but also that is maybe why I am still playing the virgin’s game, so you can see, it is a problem deeply ingrained not just in the male superiority complex-culture, but women having that inferior-complex.

Back to the topic, the only problem is, that there is a discrepancy when it comes to the sexual exchange or the sexual dialogue which is being done non-verbal. Women do not start “talking” in a sexual aroused way as guys do. We are still animals with our sexual demand. Guys are not depending on that, its ingrained into their nature. There are societies where this is less of a thing and societies where this is more of a thing. The west has achieved a high level of “gender equality” that means women and men can walk on the streets without completely getting harassed or being made responsible of when something happens. Bad examples can be found in the middle east or in parts of asia:

In some countries/regions of the middle east(I do not want to specify the country), women can be accused, when dressed not accordingly so men got lured to “rape” them.

In Asian regions (no generalization here, too) the voice of a man is more worth than a woman’s, hence a small touching or “force” seems to be ok there.

This is beyond borderline retarded and is still sad, that we have that. On the other hand, we have a very unhealthy paradigm shift going on right now, where women are accusing every male of being a potential rapist because of that assumption, they want to have male to be sterilized in a worst case scenario. On the other hand, the same very group of women tend to try to take advantage of male when it comes to all the perks and neat things of “how to treat a lady”. Men are already faulty for simply being men. Women should not forget, that men and women have this history of sending small and plain signals to attract each other, or it was much easier to claim a man or a women with simple directions for conversations or within a group. Now we have different layers and different set of minds which do not necessarily mean we have come further on a societal level. We strayed afar, if you’d ask me. Women are sending out signals, which men tend to receive in a specific way: if an ok-looking-girl wears a bikini, it is normal for a guy to be aroused by that. It’s the same as being normal, if there is an accident, that you are looking and most of the time helping or saving lives(at least in western culture).

A guy has to take the opportunity, because by setting up an ok-looking girl(1) and a nice outfit(2) you have two items, for making yourself attractive to guys. I do not want to say, that girls have to disguise themselves in ninja suits or in a potatosack. I don’t want that. I do not want women to limit themselves, because someone else is not able to understand them the way women want to express themselves. The problem is more, that girls are doing something passively and expect a certain amount of action. This is a traditional role-model-concept, maybe from times when human were being hunters and gatherers. Now we have achieved a specific state in our society where a male does not need to be dominating, not to be active, not to be strong, not to be financial supportive. Female have evolved into different directions. When it comes to attracting the other sex, there has not been much of a change going on. The slow changing pace is still not fast enough to make sure, that such miscommunication can be avoided. But what does a woman have to do, to be the active part, to not make herself a slut and to not look cheap because she is selecting the her prey actively? These are the first concerns of women, when told that they have to change their behavior or if a guy “abused” her. I still tend to say: speak clearly what you want and what you don’t want. Men are very simple and do listen and do what a woman says. It is easier than you think. Most men are very afraid of women. Have a look out there how many desperate virgins with no power are pestering on the internet(don’t even, its just guys). How hard it is to even have the guts to speak up to a woman who they might be interested in. On the other hand most women still do not have the courage to be active in the “game” or do not even think of becoming the active part. As a woman, you are expecting in still 80% of world-wide cases to be passive and not the active part. In the patriarchal west, women start to become active, but that is a very small percentage. Women still tend to be passive, women still expect guys to “receive” the right signals and becoming active towards them. There is no activity except acceptance or rejection. There is almost no “hey, iam taking the opportunity of becoming the active and snapping the chance”.

But back to the topic: Weinstein is someone, who has power, and someone with power is always at a specific point abusing it. It is very sad, that next to the “man/women”-gender imbalancement, there comes the strife for power and influence. And here there is a huge entanglement of police, state and of course Hollywood as a bunch of fucking incestuous fucks. Harvey knew how to play the game, and everyone who wanted to participate had to subordinate him/herself to this. No one in Hollywood, who has risen from the ashes to the top had the balls to fight the system. Just because of the fact that Weinstein is now more or less gone, does not make this corrupt system go away. Have a look at the Grammys, the Hollywood movie awards and so on: all of those shows are only a circle jerk of companies and powerbrokers, who suppress and show off. In the end it is a battle between the people who are and who are not cooperating with those companies the real battle is between those companies, not which movies was conceived the best. We need to rethink how people or institutions with power are acting. Not just the interaction between man and woman.

 

The next point is about NeoGAF:

Boy, I didn’t get the whole picture, but you can read everything on the megathread on reddit:

https://www.reddit.com/r/KotakuInAction/comments/77z6wg/the_demise_of_neogaf_megathread/

the ultimate megathread, with the power of the internet, all of it was restored, almost, to get the whole picture of what happened. But almost. Shit hit the fan, if you’d ask me.

First of all the problems of NeoGAF:

  1. elitist club
  2. hard ban+very weird mods who punish you for certain views or opinions
  3. it became an echochamber the last few years(since 2012)

I got banned myself too for expressing too much as well as slightly fighting the mods.

On the other hand, NeoGAF gave me always the perfect overview of all important news and the most important nits and bits about what the videogameworld has to offer.

 

What happened: evilore, the owner of NeoGAF has allegedly assaulted someone some years ago. It is an accusation, it is allegedly. There is no proof except some word-to-mouth. Someone made a few screenshots and made them available on imgur where evilore tells his mod-team to ban/delete all posts concerning or discussing this issue. So this means, the modteam knew, that there is something behind that person and were pretty much protecting him from any shittalk on his own platform. Understandable. But the problem is, that it sort of went viral. The problem is also, that NeoGAF has a very narrow point of view, which is why this sort of backlash and the “end of NeoGAF” has happened. The user, the mods, the owner and everyone was contributing to the falsifying info about evilore. It was known, that evilore did shit in 2012. Someone even dug deeper and got some revengeporn from evilore from the year 2006.

I just want to make it short:

This is too far: we can’t deny and punish people forever for something they did in the past. They need to be punished to the right time, right when it was happening. And evilore’s questionable past resurrected on the weekend? Why? WHY? Again, since this is also the topic about a man demonstrating power: someone allegedly got raped/touched in an inappropriate way. Someone accused someone. With no evidence, only by word-to-mouth there can be done tremendous damage. I don’t want to say in any way that you should not believe this. Or ignore it. I am against racism or misogyny, but we are now having a very weird way of communication where everything can mean your death of tomorrow.

What I don’t understand is the fact, that now, a lot of people are having the feeling that everyone on NeoGAF consists of pedophiles and alt-left people who are defending rapists. This is where I had it.

I feel so alienated lately through the whole topic of gaming:

#gamergate which is linked to the inauguration of trump as well as the recent spark of racism and alt-right, which have inevitable ties, but are not the main reasons is what is making me feel uncomfortable. Racism and misogyny, are two new topics joining along on the roadtrip to oblivion.