久しぶりですね。
It has been a while indeed. Almost 6 months since I wrote something onto this blog. I am not sure, but everything I touch turns to shit. I have lost touch, I have lost control, I have lost pretty much all the stuff, I would love to get into. I do not feel safe nor comfortable anywhere. Yes, there is corona on one hand, but on the other hand, I have the feeling, that everything and everyone loses control over their life due corona. I have the feeling trying to stay sane on one hand, but I can’t bear it anymore to see and to hear from anyone to talk down on me. I talked back to 3 people in the last 6months, that it is not ok to say racist/conspiracy/weird things or look down or speak in a depreciate way to me.
But first things first: I am jobless since last year July. Unbelievable. It is already bonkers that it took me from 2017(coming back from Malmö) till 2018 September to get a job, which I didn’t like in the first place, but since I was in dire need of fleeing from the house of my parents, I took the very first chance to get away. For the past 12 months, I have come across some acquaintances of friends, who are in positions in their respective jobs which they are satisfied and qualified for their jobs. But they were “impressed” of me seeing that I have knowledge of their doings in their jobs even though I have not studied nor worked in their profession and recommended me to work there. I applied and every company has so far refused me to invite me to an interview. This is already something which made me very unhappy and sad. Not just the fact, that I know something but I did not even get a chance of proofing that I am worthy of that chance, but they don’t even consider that. I always have to explain myself, vindicate that I can do something or I am worthy of that. There were a few times when even some companies accused me of counterfeiting my school and university certificates. They told me a refugee is not able to pick up German this fast, hence they would be not even wasting their time with this. This was on the phone. I was so speechless. When the representatives on the phone asked me who I am on the phone, I told them, IAM THE PERSON THEY ARE FUCKING TALKING ABOUT! So, I already feel ridiculed and damaged. I don’t feel to have any strength to go forward, to face myself such disgusting things seeing “friends or acquaintances” telling me how awesome I am and how I totally should apply for certain jobs or positions. Especially recommending me or making sure, that I get that one job, which in the end, I don’t. On the other hand, I have heard some of my “scholar” friends, who I dearly think of, told me, to go work in Starbucks or in a furniture shop, because that would suit me. Wow. Actually, I was floored by that. To see dear friends telling me this. There is also one friend, who, I don’t want to sound jealous or envious and I dearly would never wish anyone to make the same experience as me, but got a job within his first 3months after working as a student in a small company, and he told me, I am having high hopes, I should go for lower wage jobs. It feels insulting, stupid, disgusting and just depreciating. Is this, what friends should be for? People you know? I am not sure. Maybe I am not as easy-going and laidback as I thought I was. I am not unblameable, because I can totally understand my surroundings. I am constantly nagging because, it seems to be absolutely impossible for me to find a job, nor am I able to handle this shitty problem by myself. Most people seem to be very annoyed by that fact. I absolutely see this as a fault of mine. But is this the end result of my studies and my thirst for knowledge brings me now to this very point: being jobless, being unable to be of use. on top, it seems to be impossible to be on par with some people. to be on the same level as some people/friends. it seems, they are friends, because you are below them. is this the reason why? is this even called friendship or some weird form, which I have not understood so far? I try to be reasonable and tolerant, but I feel helpless and each time with less energy arguing and vindicating myself. do I even have to justify everything and everyone? why do I have to do that, while the others do not have to do that? I don’t get it. it takes such a huge toll on my life. a friend even told me, it seems bonkers, why I am always hanging out with some people, which are just plain stupid or crazy weird. I should simply make a cut and not hang out with those at all. am I really expecting too much of life, of people and of events I attend to? I really don’t know. everyday I wake up and wonder, why I have those encounters. it takes incredible amounts of energy, to stand against such constant naysayers. staying in yesteryear is nothing I am known for, but making me think and keeping me there to vindicate my bad luck or the things i haven’t done so far on my way is not how you should treat someone who is willing to challenge and looking forward to change the future of tomorrow.
next thing: corona. covid-19. very interesting. while we had tremendous amounts of luck that Germany did not get hit as hard as Italy or Spain, I can’t wrap my head around how this has sparked a weird, esoteric and right-wing army of yesterday-people out of… yeah, guess where: around my hometown. fuck me hard. QAnon, Querdenken 711, is rising. they are not just rising, but there is an unknown amount of people who are really thinking this is done by a deep state and we are being lied to and whatnot. instead of being seer lucky to see that the German government mostly reacted good(yea, you could have covered more, but making mistakes becomes more and more a common thing in Germany), they insist of being lied to, become financially poor and seeing kids being kidnapped and absorbed for some unknown elite who are drinking children blood to become immortal. also, reptiles and Jews controlling the world is really a theme here. what in the simple fuck is here going on? I mean anti-vaxxers are joining this. also, some people who still believe in an emperor from the first German Reich (which ended with the first world war), who should return rightfully(!!!). there is so much bullshit coming together, you can’t believe that there are active people of this society being part of this. in a worrisome video, there were flags of: -German Reich -Russia -US -turkey -rainbow flags -and some made up flags to symbolize other right-wing-groups(such as QAnon) wow. and these people or the biggest group of those people are coming out of Baden-Württemberg. I know that Baden-Württemberg has a problem with right-wing people, even though Baden-Württemberg has no problem with joblessness or something(like parts of eastern Germany, where Nazis are pretty common), these people are actively a threat. 2020 is a roller coaster ride, that is for sure.
next up: a friend from Hamburg. basically, this guy is an active drug addict, and it was only a matter of time this happened. but first things first: I know him since 2015 and he has been a very cool and chill dude. I liked living together with him, even though it was not for very long. less than a year. the time when I moved in, he stopped using drugs and I didn’t care about that, since I never had big problems with any guys who were smoking weed or doing MDMA or coke. but this guy was different. I thought it was fun to get a new hang to a group of people. to know a certain bubble better. but this guy developed himself into a tyrant. he mistreated „for fun“ his girlfriend. in front of me or his friends or HER friends. I couldn’t believe my eyes what kind of Stockholm-syndrome developed in front of me. at first, I tried to make jokes out of it, telling him, he is the grand vizier(großwesir of) barmbek, because he tried to show off every time, he left his home. walking down the street, showing off his money, showing off how he doesn’t care about anything and mistreating and talking in a very blatant way. it was to a certain degree funny and light-hearted. but when it started to become racist and discriminating, I said to stop. these were the times from one or two years ago until this year in April. I tried to stop him, telling him, if he is greeting me with genocide to every Jew and every Muslim on this planet or every dark coloured NON-GERMAN person, I stopped talking to him. he wouldn’t stop. he would brag about, how fun this is supposed to be. I told him to ignore and stop being a friend of him. it didn’t stop him. even when I tried to stop his girlfriend being in this toxic relationship, the same goes for his neighbour and some friends… though these friends and his neighbours are beyond belief when it comes to „considering“ being an acquaintance of this guy. they simply don’t see the problem, they even simply said it, it is a very personal thing, as long as they directly don’t see the result of him mistreating his wife and kid, it’s not their problem. and since they don’t even can’t spell nor recognize the difference between racism/discrimination, it was absolute stupid of me telling them that this guy is constantly shittalking. being white German with barely some school education, they don’t care about that topic. basically, it was the same here: as long as everything is peaceful in their neighbourhood, there is no problem. if you want to express it in a more common mean opinion: if I don’t see it, it does not exist or „out of sight, out of mind“. I eventually stopped talking and blocking him on all available channels. wow. I never went this hardcore and far for a person. yes, 2020 has been a ride so far, but to be honest… did it change anything for me in this regard this much? since iam not part of the society, it did not. why am I declaring myself as such? it is very easy. if you are, the society would care. it pisses me off, how much of a wimp I am because, I am not able to get a job+this drags me mentally very much. this is also a part of being a healthy citizen of society. and another factor is, the things you say, should have an impact in society. if Günther says: „FOREIGNER, GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY!“ the neighbours usually react to him in a mindful way. it is ok to say that. it is ok, if Günther also says things such as using poison or weapons to kill them or drive them away. the neighbours just want to make sure, everyone in their neighbourhood are feeling good and included. But if a person such as me is telling something, there is a bit of a different output in my circle of friends/acquaintances here in Munich and other parts: are you sure? is this real life? I never heard of this; I don’t believe you. it is not as bad as it is, I guess. maybe you shouldn’t be a pussy. c’mon this would never happen in a modern country such as Germany. so, the answers do severely look different depending on what kind of people you have around you or what kind of person you are. it is the difference that some can choose between being dicks and magically attract such shit behaviour. very interesting to see as an example, how the German police tried to relativize Black Lives Matter with their needs. Blue Lives Matter. Another low in history of police. if a police officer does not like his job, simply don’t do it. a police officer can simply change his clothes after his shift. can persons with dark skin colour do that. I would. this would basically minimize definitely more than 50% of my headache, that is for sure. making myself a problem with basic needs, understandings in society as well as not being able to sustain myself with the real questions of this planet and this life is what drags me and slurps my present energy into oblivion.
to make it short: I have not changed. I still don’t get my shit together. I lack discipline, I lack opportunities, I lack the vision and to hold onto it in a long-term fashion to make it come true.
