S.A.D.

Hey, it has been quite some time.

I want to talk about quite some topics, but let’s try to start slowly.
I turn 30 this year, and for about half a year I shat my pants about this fact. I also realized the infinite amount of energy I was able to mobilize or invest in things is not anymore available these days. I can’t give a shit about so many things anymore. I can’t download and invest time into every shitty release of OSTs, jpop, kpop, manga, anime, general shit around videogames anymore as I used to. It’s not just about my hobby, it’s also about my life as well. I can’t invest so much time and energy into people, who will never acknowledge me. It is so sad, but I sort of finally try to get this. There will never be such thing as an equal amount of friendship feelings or something which can be made visibly countable exchanged between people or friends or whoever has a relationship. You can’t force people to hang out with you or like you, you can force yourself upon them, but it’s up to you, if you can withstand the invisible wall of hurdles to make yourself go through these awkward moments. And even after making yourself going all through this, the outcoming of, if you are acknowledged in the end or if you are seen as a pain in the ass in the group of people you want to be surrounded with is uncertain. I would create the hypothesis, that becoming an adult is not necessarily easier today than back then, we just have more options these old days. While having options is the luxury we are able to enjoy, this requires the necessity of being able to comprehend, that we have this vast variety we can choose from and are not limited by it. And this also brings a lot of responsibility with those decisions. Becoming an adult was back then more streamlined: marrying until you are 20-25, the church, the society, the parents pretty much levelled the way for you to become a decent adult. Having ways and being weird was sort of outruled and outrained during the process of becoming an adult. There are good movies from the 70s and 80s showing how even though if you are the weird and muted kid in the street, you were still invited to the big parties where everyone attended.
Today, my little pony fans have their own little “bathe in your own feces”-party, where shit cant get worse. The balance between the normal and the weird has been separated in todays time. We have achieved freedom to become not just weird and excluded, we have created safe spaces to spread the retarded autism to anyone who only showed syntoms so far. We have forgotten how to become a decent adult. We don’t even know how to become one.
Becoming an adult has no limits anymore. It isn’t even a goal. You can walk around in sweaters, pyjamas, play with toys as a 40-50y ear old and no one fucking cares. We have achieved this freedom. We are living terrible single lives, we chose it, and we are fucking depressed and unhappy. Why is this like this? I don’t get it. The past 6 months, i slowly grew the urge of just leading a plain simple life with a wife, kids, a house and no more moving and anxiety of new challenges and people.
I have become a person, who doesn’t know who he is, where he comes from and where he will be in the future. And I feel, there is no way of becoming normal, or way to restore a status quo. It never existed in the beginning, I know. But the urge of having a better surrounding, an easier and more understandable surrounding, is what I wish for. This has become more and more impossible, as I become older. The goal of having a lot of cool people around me is fading. I realize, that most people aren’t really interested in that either. Most people have a couple of people they like or trust and aren’t really interested in meeting and having more people around them. I also saw couples, who are likely almost zero percent are interested in even hanging out with their friends or former groups. Facebook has advanced the fact, that people get more alienated than they have been already by other traits. Facebook should have made people easier to access thanks to internet, instead if someone NOT known writes you, you instantly get suspicious and likely will not trust that person. I have become aware of that when I deleted facebook in 2014. It was hard at the beginning, nice having more “felt freedom” but in the long run I realized, that I have become a ghost in real life: people ask me, when you don’t have facebook, if you are a perpetrator or something dodgy or shady. I feel shattered to realize that. Another bogus, I thought, I’d understand, was that racism might vanish, since we are living in such a globalized world.
Welp, I realize that having racism as a reason is not because people are racists per se, but it is seen as a complex to make a complicated, globalized world easier to understand and to protect oneself.
This is shocking, terrible and sad at the same time. To understand this, it takes some time. It makes me cry and it is so hard to believe, that people are behaving like this. This has nothing to do with the 19th/20th century racism, which is taught in schools. Iam disappointed, when people around me tell me, that racism doesn’t exist. If you are privileged as a white person, of course you don’t see or sense which kind of level it is used to hurt people, in a visible and invisible way.
But back to where I originally started: becoming old, seeing life passing by…
Iam usually a person, who hates wasting time, or any kind of waste. Now, as I grow older, and seeing my life passing by… I realized that you don’t have much time to live on this planet. Iam turning already 30 this summer. Half of my life is already wasted and gone. I haven’t achieved anything in those years. Most people die with 60-70, if you are healthy and live a happy, you make it past that, but I see tons of people die of heart attack, bad lifestyles and so on… and I feel that I haven’t achieved anything so far. I want to achieve, I want to create, I want to make something which will be surpassing something existing. I am right now in the process of creating something which might be something futuristic, but it takes a lot of… well factors which I am right now not in control of. It would be nice to see the birth of this “invention”.

Last but not least: iam terribly disappointed by the people iam right now surrounded with.
I fucked up my master registration (what actually happened: master thesis registration was in march, I asked at the end of February, if everything was correctly submitted which was confirmed by my professor. On 18th of april, after having worked on the thesis for around 1,5months, my professor writes me I have to submit a course paper from November ASAP. I read the email a few days later, I submit it. She tells me, it was too late and the master registration will be pulled back FOR ME. My master co-authors, whom I have to write with the master thesis were informed BEFORE me, hence they have withdrawn MY work and my RIGHTS on the google doc-files, while the professor tells me that I can register for next year. I couldn’t talk on that day and iam still visibly in shock right now), instead of helping me out with info, everyone has fucking gone radiosilent in the masters programme.

EVERY.
SINGLE.
ONE.

Like it was broadcasted to everyone not to talk or to distribute information to me. I asked a few friends around me, what they would do in that situation. Even THEM WENT SILENT or didn’t say much. Fuck, I thought, there has been something going on, why is everyone going full retard now?
I was really disappointed and completely devastated to see that friends, who I asked weren’t able to give me an answer or properly be available. This is a shameful act to approach people with such a delicate affair, but not having the decency to answer is even worse. I felt ashamed and disappointed. I really am at a loss here. I feel, that Sweden,malmö, this master, these past 9 months were a waste. These past months just showed me, that life is progressing faster, than expected. Iam not sure, if i should just look at it and say, fuck it, I just wasted 9 months, or if I should just cry, because the upcoming 12 months will be an added weight of wasted time too.
UN-
FUCKING-
BELIEVABLE.
Iam so letdown of so many people around you lately. I really don’t know what to do. This is one of the lowest points in my life, and I am already fucking rock bottom. I don’t see any upward spiral happening in the near future. The older you get, the more doors arent opening up anymore. The remaining ones are getting closed slowly, too. I was wondering for a very long time, why people don’t want to meet people, or why they are simply not interested into “new” things. Now I sort of get it, but I don’t want to accept it. I still keep looking for new things to amaze me, but making all those negative experiences makes me just wonder, how long I can keep up the good spirit.
I don’t know for how much longer.

Last line: have some nice OST: Kingdom Hearts – Orchestra

This was a concert from last year in Paris, France. If I would have know it earlier, I would have gone there.
Great music, and great orchestrated pieces.
*click*